San Francisco in November

Notorious for fog and cold weather, San Francisco was a pleasant surprise to me this November. I was lucky to be there when the temps were in the mid 60’s and the sun was shining every day. Don’t get me wrong, I found myself walking on the side of the street where the sun was shining because the shade was still a tad cool, but what can you expect being right on the water?

We stayed in Fisherman’s Wharf, and while it was a great hotel (The Sheraton), I would definitely choose to stay more toward the Financial District next go around. Every tourist known to man stays in the Wharf – and while there is a lot to see there – I would like to make my way in and out of there every day. The views are incredible though…Alcatraz, The Golden Gate Bridge, the entire Bay area…breath taking at times, the views are a definite draw in San Francisco.

If I may make two suggestions for anyone planning a trip to the Bay area – eat dinner at Franchino’s and rent bikes to ride across The Golden Gate Bridge!

Franchino’s is in North Beach and is one of many Italian restaurants of choice in that area. If I had to choose again, I would choose the same. I had the cheese tortellini and couldn’t have been happier. Coupled with a glass of Pinot Grigio, I quickly found myself in heaven. This little place boasts big atmosphere when it only seats probably 25 people, at most. The owner greets you in Italian and immediately makes you feel at home. We had reservations, so we were lucky to get right to a table, but I can’t imagine there ever being a huge wait. The turnaround seemed fairly quick. And the location – perfect for an after dinner stroll around the streets of North Beach…check it out!

Blazing Saddles was our stop for bikes in the Bay. They stand out on the street yelling in your face as you walk by, “BIKE THE BRIDGE!!!!” It’s a little overwhelming, but it’s a tourist town, so I expected it. What I did not expect was the fun I had biking 8+ miles across the bridge and into Sausalito. WOW! There are a couple of hills before the bridge that will take your breath away – but take a chance to recover, because the views from the bridge and Sausalito will steal your breath for sure!

When I was riding across the bridge, the sounds from the cars disappeared. In fact, I don’t recall hearing anything but silence as I looked at everything around me. I was probably blocking a lot out as well since I’m terrified of bridges, but I had to make this ride. I wasn’t disappointed. As you cross over and hit the mainland there is a spot to stop and see how far you’ve come, where you are, and where you are still headed. The hills down into Sausalito were fun for me because I love the speed of the downhill ride. As I came out at the base of the hill and into town I stopped to look around at all of the homes and businesses. I have never been to Italy, but I would imagine that it looks a lot like Sausalito. The homes on the water were beautiful, and the little street café’s that we passed had such a quaint appearance. We parked our bikes near the water and walked through the streets to get coffee and people watch. After 8 miles on a bike, I wasn’t sure I’d be able to walk at all, but the feeling you get from the accomplishment of conquering that ride is so motivating.

We opted to take the ferry home, which I enjoyed as well. It provided a perspective of what we had just accomplished that I wanted burned into my brain for a lifetime. It also allowed for great views of the Bay as we skirted across the waters past the bridge and Alcatraz. Besides, the monstrous hills we came down into Sausalito – no way could I have made it up those things to ride home!!

I am so lucky to be able to travel as much as I do. I’m blessed to experience the places I experience, and continue to grow as I broaden my horizons. As we all journey through life, it’s nice to step outside ourselves for a moment and breathe in the many places that surround us. There is so much to see in this great big world that I haven’t even begun to touch…but my bags are always close, and I’m ready for that next trip at all times!! San Franciso – check!

Music

Writing is my therapy and love - but I will tell you this...music runs a VERY close second. It's amazing to me the emotions that are stirred simply by hearing a song. Joy, sadness, anger, and peace are just a few emotions that I experience on a daily basis through a song. In fact, I've learned recently that mourning can be aided by music - although at the time, I found myself more angry that the words and rhythms were drawing tears from me instead of being willing to accept the fact that it was actually helping me move through the emotions that I wasn't willing to let go of on my own.

I took a trip this summer with three of my girlfriends and there is now a list of songs that I associate with the best moments of that trip. Whenever I hear them I'm instantly transported back to the beach, the streets of LA, or in the room getting ready to go out for the night. I find myself smiling uncontrollably during those moments because the songs remind me of such a happy moment in time. "Hello. Good morning."

Just as those songs bring me happiness, there is a playlist on my iPod for heartbreak as well. The songs on that playlist illicit a completely different set of emotions from me. I'm moving through those songs with anger and sadness - but with a hope that peace, will also come. So very different than the other songs that bring such joy, this list reminds me of the pain of love lost. What I find interesting: the songs that I hear in that list are songs that I have been listening to for a long time, and thoroughly love, but they are now associated with a totally different aspect of my life. And, as much as I love them, they will now and forever be associated with a broken heart. But don't get it twisted, I will keep listening!

Whether it's happy, sad, or angry, I wouldn't trade in my music for anything in the world. I love driving to work each morning and listening to my playlists. I love sitting on the airplane, falling asleep to a slow mix that I've saved. And as much as it hurts, I love working through the harder times in my life simply by listening to music.

While writing is what I love to do, and live to love, music will always hold a special place in my heart as well. In fact, there are notes and words accompanying me right now as I write - and they will likely continue to do so as I journey through life with pen to paper.

Why not allow music to set the soundtrack of your life? You might be surprised at the impact a song can have!

Senseless

I was listening to a song on the way to work this morning titled, “Wonderful Wonder,” by Ginny Owens. The first few lines of the song struck a nerve for me…

“I don’t know the ocean’s crystal blue…
And I don’t climb the mountains for the view.
Or wish upon the stars above my head…
Or bear witness to a marvelous sunset.”

Ginny Owens is an incredible pianist and vocalist. She is also blind.

Her words got me thinking…if I had to give up one of my senses at this point in my life, which one would I choose?

After a quick run down of the five senses, it was easy for me to choose. I would give up my hearing. I don’t like noise.

What was more interesting to me though, is the why behind my unwillingness to consider sight. Listening to Ginny’s song, it’s so incredibly touching to hear her pour her heart out about what she’s missing right now, but how she will be in awe, after death, by everything she is able to see for the first time.

For me, I am a visionary person. I like to be quiet and get lost in my own head (another reason why hearing was my choice) and just enjoy the sights around me. I like to see what is before me, touch what I see, and get lost in the eyes of another. Those are things that make me smile, they make my heart beat a little stronger, and they remind me of the life I have right before me.

I have been guilty in the past of overlooking what has been right before me, but I’m taking a little bit more time these days: Enough time to be reminded of what I love, who I love, and how seeing that love before me makes me feel.

Writing is what I love to do, and allowing myself to follow that love is becoming more fulfilling than I would have ever dreamed. One day, I will share that fulfillment with another as well – and I can only imagine the feelings that will provide us both.

I’m so fortunate to have all of my senses in tact, but I would be cheating myself if I didn’t take a little more time to enjoy each of them in the coming years. We are not promised tomorrow, nor are we promised everything we have today…we need to take the time to enjoy life to the fullest. Take some risks. Find purpose in a dream and follow it. Explore your senses and find the enjoyment in each when you focus on them.

I may even blindfold myself at the dinner table tonight and see how much more I enjoy that every day experience.

Borrowed Time

Living on borrowed time has always been a concept in which I believed. We have one life to live – we should take risks, live big, love much, and do everything for happiness. We’re borrowing the time we have, so why not use it to its fullest potential? Besides, we never know when that time will end.

It’s only been recent that I’ve started to really evaluate the way I spend all my time, with whom I spend that time, and what dreams I need to follow while I still have time to borrow. I’ve always played it safe. Financial security being number one on the list of to-do’s, followed by time spent with my family and friends, dating, travelling, and then the miscellaneous items in life. Those have all flip-flopped for me as of late. I can make money regardless, so the need to get more and more and more has dropped down on my radar…it’s been replaced by time with my family, dating, and travelling. These to-do items aren’t always in the same order either…which leaves me wide open for twists and turns. I’ve come to realize that happiness is SO important in this life…and while having money makes things easier sometimes, like travelling, it doesn’t bring me the happiness I ultimately want in life. I want to jump outside the box, follow my dreams, and make things happen that others would tell me are impossible. That is exactly why I finally got the star tattoo on the inside of my wrist. For me, it’s a reminder that the stars in reach, and I should remember to reach for them. It wasn’t until a few weeks ago that I realized I’m ready to commit to that statement. I’m ready to leap after my dreams…so I had the reminder inked to my wrist, and I plan to have 2 more added in the near future. Each representing a different star (dream) I want to grab onto.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m still that responsible girl that takes care of business behind the scenes, I’m just putting myself out there to take more risks. You gain nothing if you risk nothing…and there are things I want to gain.

There’s always a flip-side to risk-taking though…and I would like to think I’m centered enough in my life now that I will be able to take those unsuccessful outcomes in stride. I have had to do that recently, and I’m proud of myself for how I’m coming out on the other side. Pushing the door to, but not closing it all the way. I will be running that risk with the possibility of publishing as well. Some people will love my words; others will despise my style and technique. I refuse to give up until something hits printing though. I will take it all in stride…and the success that will follow will be a wrangled star for me.

We could all use a reminder now and again about what is important in life…what makes us happy…and it’s important that we fight for those things. We stand a little taller, smile a little wider, and can exhale a little longer when we do. I like being a dreamer, but more importantly now, I love being a follower of those dreams!

"Bullied to death"

With all the recent headlines I have felt compelled to write the issue of bullying. Young people are taking their own lives because of the pressures put upon them by other human beings. It has to end…and now.

Bullies have been around forever, but it just seems to me that it’s starting earlier, and more intense, than ever before. I can remember seeing it happen in my schools, and I can remember making sarcastic remarks that probably hurt people’s feelings…but breaking a CHILD’s arm because he wanted to be a cheerleader? Unfathomable-yes…but no longer unrealistic.

Why do people harbor the idea they are superior to others? Why in the world would anyone think it okay to SPY on a roommate and broadcast their private life over the internet? We are a sick world that times have come to this. People hide their true selves because they see what is happening to others around them, and end up missing out on so much in life because of fear. They fear the repercussions, they fear the backlash, they fear being outcast, and they fear rejection. We are supposed to be taking steps forward, but I feel like Rosa Parks has since been replaced by a gay teen on the back of the bus...who feels compelled to put a gun to his/her head because they fear nothing will get better. I thought we were breaking these cycles…but that teen could be one of less fortune as well.

We need to take a stand, regardless of our personal beliefs, and let people know that it should be common decency to respect those around you. I’m not asking anyone to change what they believe – but is it too much to ask everyone to form a united front for LIFE? How many young people have to die before we step outside ourselves and scream that it’s not okay? It’s not okay to make fun of someone everyday because of the clothes they wear, or the music they like, or their sexual orientation! Stripped naked and put in a crowd, we are all the same, barring gender. But it starts with each of us…to find our voices and speak up for those that feel their mouths are covered.

This is something that hits home for me, for personal reasons, and I am nothing short of passionate about doing whatever possible to support and encourage those that are bullied. Opening up communication and starting a dialogue with any young person that is being affected is a responsibility each of us should take seriously. You never know when your child, niece, nephew, cousin, neighbor, or friend could be hurting so deeply because of how they are being treated. According to statistics, 1 in 5 students are bullied each year-and a staggering 9 in 10 gay/lesbian students. So don’t stay still, and don’t remain quiet…the longer we do, the more lives we’ll lose.

Get Out of Town

No seriously… you should GO.

I’m a gypsy these days...at least that what’s my cousin tells me. But, the truth is that I love vacationing and getting out of town. There is so much to see and do, and I want to look back 10 years from now and smile at all of things I’ve done and seen. I actually feel a little bit sorry for those people that don’t go anywhere...or they just go back to the same place all the time. Maybe it’s my roots that make me this way, but I love it, and would encourage others to GET OUT.

See, I grew up from the midwest, to the west, to the southwest, to the southeast in the US. I moved for the first time at 6 months old…so that’s one I don’t remember...but I remember Kentucky, I remember Las Vegas, I remember El Paso, and I remember Knoxville. I wasn’t a military brat, I was a Levi’s brat! Dad’s job took us to each place...then I brought myself back to northern Kentucky in 1998. (I’ve been itching to move again since like 2003) The diversity of these places has helped shape me into the person that I am today. I love Las Vegas…and my heart remains out west, for sure...but I learned the most in El Paso and Knoxville. Such polar opposites are these places.

In El Paso, I was one of maybe 8 white kids in the school that I remember. Yet, I never felt like I stuck out like a sore thumb. I don’t remember any discrimination or intimidation for my race. When I moved to Knoxville, it was a sea of white kids – and yet I felt like I stuck out. I will never forget starting there in 8th grade, not knowing anyone, and asking someone where all the black kids were...I won’t soon forget that laughter. My junior year of high school, after a football game, I was forced out of a local establishment because there was a black guy with me and my good friend. It was a definite switch in gears for me in the southeast...but I did make some great friends in each location, and loved both places dearly.

I did find one likeness in both places though – most people were born there, have known their friends since birth, only vacation to one place, and live in a sort-of “bubble.” As I’ve gotten older, I’ve seen many people burst that bubble and branch out, but some never did. To each their own – but man, they have no idea what they’re missing!! I couldn’t imagine a life without diversity, travel, new experiences and people. I’m convinced that living your life in a shell doesn’t protect you from the world...it hides you from life’s possibilities. I want to...and see...and meet...and grow...and do.

So GET OUTTA HERE. Take a leap of faith and accept that job in another state (if you hate it, you can always make your way back home). Take a vacation to a place you don’t know much about, and get lost in the city there – experiencing everything it has to offer. We have one life to live – and we should live it to fullest. Never settle, never stop learning, never stop growing, and never forget to tell thos you love how you feel. The moment you do, life will lose a meaning you never knew existed!

Emotionally stunted??

I sat through therapy last week and after 45 minutes I felt like I was having an epiphany.

“I think I’m emotionally stunted,” I said.

My therapist’s eyebrows went through the roof. She even grinned for a minute before asking me why I felt that way, and what ultimately brought me to that conclusion.

I laughed a little bit before responding:

“Well, a couple weeks ago we were talking about that e-mail I received and you asked me to place an emotion on what the sender was likely feeling. Only the most basic emotions sprang to mind – sad, upset, etc. It wasn’t until you said ‘fear’ that I realized that was the exact emotion, and I should have known it, and likely did know it, but I couldn’t verbalize it. I felt, in that moment, that I had lost touch with emotions, and that conversation has bothered me for the past two weeks now.”

Our conversation progressed on, but I came home, and now a week later, am still questioning myself. An emotional awakening and revamp was/is the 3rd part of my total revision…and it’s turning out to be the hardest. I never would have expected that because I’m not afraid to cry, or be angry, or laugh…but what I’m finding is that I’m not afraid to physically show my emotions – I just haven’t been able to completely define them…or those around me, for that matter. Hell, I can even write emotionally and have readers feel what I want them to feel…so where is the disconnect?

Well, after our follow-up session this week I made some realizations. I’m careful. It’s not that I’m unemotional, or unable to label the emotions I see and feel, but more that I take care along the way to ensure I have no regrets in life – so my emotions don’t run wild during specific moments when others’ might. I felt better when I walked away this week because I felt like I was able to “feel” what I felt, and I was able to relate to what others may be feeling as well. A lot to understand: yes. Hopeless: no.

I’m an analyzer, a planner, and an organizer. When you throw in spontaneity, you kink the curve even more. I don’t make rash decisions, I consider all options, I take pride in my stability, and give my all in everything in which I’m involved. I like to believe that I have a big heart, an open mind, and a willingness to please. I cry with those that need me to do so and I laugh when it’s appropriate (and inappropriate). I am finding that what I once thought I was unable to do, I’m actually able to do so with fervor: separate my emotions from situations, when necessary. I’m not emotionally stunted, I’m just in control of my life.

I think the years of pleasing everyone else before myself played into my necessary check of my emotions. I forgot what it was like to make myself happy, allow myself to be scared, take pride in my accomplishments, and feel sad and alone when I want to feel that way. Before, I would just task myself to death – a nice distraction from feeling any of the above…not now. Now – I’m finding joy in laughing when no one else sees what’s funny, and I’m LEARNING to brush off the angry drivers around me instead of raging myself (and finding that dancing in my car makes the anger dissipate quicker), and I’m relishing in the time I have with my family – because I only have one family, and one life to know them. My emotions are deep rooted, yet finding their way to the surface more often now than ever before. I look forward to future emotional growth as well.

If I could hand out any piece of advice, that I would like to take myself, it would be for everyone to tap into their emotions…learn how they feel, what triggers certain reactions, how to deliver messages getting your point across – all the while taking the receiver’s feelings into consideration, and most importantly…don’t hide behind a smile if that’s not how you’re feeling. It’s see-through and will do nothing but prolong the inevitable admittance you need to face. And let’s face it – there’s nothing worse than someone walking around with a fake smile.

Gone Mental

Okay, I haven’t actually “gone” out of my mind – but come one, aren’t we all a little mental anyway?

As part of my personal transformation, I had to come to grips with needing to revamp my mental and emotional well-being, as well as the physical. Being able to see myself daily made it easier to recognize the link between the ways I felt about myself and wanting to change my outward appearance and physical health. Not being afforded the luxury of an actual glimpse into my own mind – the mental health didn’t flash a big enough red flag for me.

I know that I’ve always been really good at hiding my feelings behind my sense of humor. Whether my feelings have been hurt, or I’m just sad about something in general, I have always fallen back on laughter. While not the healthiest way to handle life, it’s taught me not to take the “downs” so seriously, because I knew an “up” would be waiting around the corner. Laughter will always be a medicinal cure for me, and I would never change that. Hiding my thoughts and feelings away, however, has not been healthy and is changing. After all, I want the total package here!

I am a laid back girl that always goes with the flow in life, but I have recently found this to be an unhealthy way to live. From choosing where to go for dinner with friends, to bigger decisions like where to attend college, I have found that my final decision was always based on my audience. “What would the other people I’m with prefer to eat – I can find something there, so let’s make sure they are happy with the decision and pick somewhere I know they will enjoy.” “Will going away to college put a financial strain on my parents, or will it put me in a position that I will have to dig out from under loans after graduation – making life really hard?” I don’t know that I ever recognized my decision making flaw until I just recently dove into my therapy sessions. I’m finding that being a people pleaser left me out of the equation most of the time, and my happiness should be at the top of my priority list…or at least near the top.

Putting my wants and needs to the side doesn’t promote a happy life…it makes it tolerable. It’s a great way to avoid conflict and uncomfortable situations, but I’m finding that those conflicts can foster growth in relationships that may have never been otherwise experienced. I have missed out on so much, mainly for myself, because I put everyone else’s wants/needs before my own. I know it’s a happy balance, because I would never want to be so selfish that I didn’t take anyone else into consideration, but I am learning that I need to be more focused on what makes me happy as well. I need to be vocal about where I may want to eat, or where I want to vacation, or how others decisions have an affect on me as well. I just need to use my voice for me. The days of keeping quiet are slowly coming to an end.

It’s funny really – I’ve never had an issue speaking up on political opinions, or religious views, or anything else that I would call “public knowledge,” but the important PERSONAL things that affect my day-to-day life have always been a struggle. I guess I found myself caring how others see me more than how I saw myself, not wanting to let anyone down with a decision I make, or worrying that I wouldn’t make my parents proud. In reality, their pride in me as their daughter isn’t based on any of that nonsense…it’s based on my character, where my heart is, and the things I’ve said and done to promote diversity or support those feeling any kind of adversity. I’m proud of who I am, NOW…so I can really see their pride now also.

It is truly amazing what you can find out about yourself if you step outside for a moment. I’m finding that I like myself a hell of a lot more nowadays, and I’m enjoying life more now that I’m doing it for me! Are there still “downs,” absolutely…but they are getting easier, passing faster, and making the “ups” so much sweeter! Not to mention I’m finding myself that much funnier now that there’s no hidden agenda!

A hate crime hits home for me...

Hate crimes...

1998 - A black man is chained behind a truck in Jasper, Texas and dragged to his death by 3 white men.

2010 - A white man in South Carolina is charged with killing a black man and dragging his body behind a truck for 10 miles.

1998 - A gay man is tortured and murdered in Wyoming for being gay.

Hate crimes...and these are just a few.

We read about these stories in the news...the beatings, the senseless deaths, the riots and then supportive marches by protected groups like the KKK. Unfortunately, it has finally hit too close to home for me.

Sunday, August 15, 2010 - 2 women were attacked in Mainstrasse Village in Covington, KY. Slurs were being screamed at them through the entire ordeal, "Faggots" "Dykes" "Queers." One girl was punched in the face by a man named Timothy Searp. "He had a knife in my face the entire time," she told me. Her head was slammed against a brick wall and she was thrown into the street by her hair, where another man - Devlin Burke - proceeded to kick her repeatedly. "He kept running at me and kicking like I was a football." Her friend dove on top of her in the street to shield her from enduring any more blows and struck the attacker with a wine bottle she had received earlier that night as a house warming gift. It was enough to stagger Burke and prevent my friend from being pummeled any further.

A passing van stopped to try and assist my friend and her group...these good Samaritans paid a price as well. One man was stabbed in the stomach, one teenager was slashed across the wrist, and still another had his pants slashed by the knife-wielding cowards.

Hate crimes...

I have never been more disgusted with people than I am right now. This isn't just another news story to me...it took place in an area near where I lived in college. It happened around the bars that I have visited. It directly affected someone I call my dear friend. I have no problem making my views known about acts like this - but I will be taking a stronger stance now. Laying low accomplishes little in life - so it's time to stand tall.

There is now an action plan in the works for the city of Covington - and I will gladly be a part of the activities and fundraisers that will be coming down the road, in an attempt to take the city back that stares at Cincinnati from across the river. I was born in Covington. My mom grew up in Covington. I don't want to be ashamed of Covington.

Here is a link to the story itself:

http://www.local12.com/news/local/story/Police-Say-Gays-Are-Target-of-Mainstrasse-Attacks/DUfW_vzdTUWYacbU1y6xoA.cspx

Seriously - when are we going to stop taking one step forward, and 3 steps back?

Mirror, mirror...

If you walk through my house, you won’t find many mirrors. There are the standard mirrors in the bathrooms, one in the guest room, and one in my dining room – and I wasn’t a fan of hanging that one from the start. Mirrors have always been my enemy. I guess I sound a lot like Robert Smith, from the Cure.

Most girls grow up with a full length mirror in the bedroom, or hanging on the back of the bathroom, bedroom, or closet door. I wasn’t one of those girls. I had body image issues from the time I was in 3rd grade, when the boys made fun of my training bra. I took their teasing to heart, when they were just being boys…and I kept those feelings I had locked away deep inside. At 32, I’m finally letting go of some of those issues.

Mirrors are direct reflections of our physical being – and I never understood that my twisted mind could distort the reality of that reflection until many years later. Growing up, I never saw a cute girl staring back at me in the mirror…I saw a chunky girl with big boobs, that wasn’t very pretty. It never mattered to me when people called me cute, or complimented an outfit: I didn’t believe them. How could I, when I never believed in myself. I hid behind clothes that were too big for me, and I became an emotional eater, and a closet eater. Food was my BFF.

Whenever a guy wasn’t interested in me, I just KNEW it was because I wasn’t skinny and/or cute. So I would eat more, and drink more, wallowing in self hate. What a miserable existence in which I lived.

The number of girls (and boys) that deal with the same feelings would probably alarm the masses…but I would venture to say EVERY girl has had a similar thought and/or feeling about themselves at one time or another, and 50% or more likely still deal with those haunting issues today. I’m one of those girls, but I’m slowly learning to take back my life…and hope that others can learn to do the same. It’s amazing how much more fun life can be when you let go and allow yourself some happiness.

I can remember, back in high school, having some great friends. I never felt judged by anyone that I called my friend, but I was so busy judging myself that I probably wouldn’t have noticed anyway. I never stayed home because of how I felt about myself though, I just internalized everything. I would venture to say that most people who knew me then, had no idea how I really felt about me during those years. I became a master of disguise…well, disguising my true feelings about me. Physically – I hated what I saw…which just weighed on me mentally and emotionally.

I don’t know when the turning point happened in 2010, but it did. I wanted to be healthy! (Notice, I didn’t say, ‘I wanted to be skinny’) I had breast reduction surgery at the end of 2007, and that helped my self-esteem (and back) tremendously…but that kind of plastic surgery didn’t bring the happiness I expected…I still saw the same girl in the mirror. I didn’t even want to be touched by anyone because I didn’t find worth in myself to warrant that kind of contact. Sometime earlier this year I just grew tired of seeing who I saw each day and the alarm bell finally sounded…I was broken. I decided then and there I wanted to be a better me…physically, emotionally, and mentally….and I HAD to start with the physical part.

Since March, I’ve lost another 20 lbs…putting me down nearly 60 lbs from my heaviest moment in time. I’m starting to see a different me, and most importantly, I’m feeling different. I started seeing a therapist a few months ago, and have made such great strides both mentally and emotionally. Therapy isn’t just for those people with severe issues – I truly believe that it would be beneficial for everyone…and I’m one of those people that has benefited. I hid my emotions under so many layers, for so many years, that I couldn’t place the correct emotion on anything in my life. I could always put each one on paper, but now I can actually talk about each one and how it applies to my life. I’m becoming a better me…and a more open me.

Had I not reached a breaking point when I did, I fear what may have happened to me in the coming years. I think I would have given up on life, love, happiness, and myself. And sometimes, I still have a problem not giving up on love – but that’s another layer I’ll get through in time. I still have a little ways to go with the physical me, but I plan to be there by the end of September.

For now, I’m peeling away the physical barrier in my life and allowing myself to see the world with new eyes. I’m 1/3 of the way through a complete overhaul in my life…and I cannot wait to see how the next 2/3 unravels! Trust me – those layers are already being peeled away as well.

Prop 8 squashed in California - finally

The decision finally came down last week that millions of Americans have been waiting patiently for - Judge Vaughn Walker of California declared Proposition 8, that had previously banned same-sex marriage, unconstitutional. A grand gesture, and in my opinion, a stride in the right direction.

If I may step back in time for a moment, I spent some time in California with a great friend of mine in 2008. We went out one night while I was there and found ourselves in the middle of a march for No on Proposition 8. I was familiar, at the time, with the debate that would soon take the legality of same-sex marriages away once more...but I hadn't been exposed to much since I didn't reside in Cali. This march quickly became one of my favorite memories. I have been against Prop 8 from the beginning, but it felt so good to carry a No on 8 sign as I walked through streets filled with numerous people. Gay, straight, black, white, male, female...none of that matter to anyone out there...it was about equality. I walked away that night with a warm heart.

I continue to read the arguments that those in support of Prop 8 supply. For example - marriage needing to be reserved for one man and one woman. Why? I appreciate that Judge Walker's response was "Tradition alone cannot form a rational basis for a law." So many people worry about the tradition of marriage being destroyed...I think we can all agree that a divorce rate of over 50%, when only straight couples were allowed to marry, shows a pretty strong decline in tradition. If that's the route people really want to take, stack the decks side-by-side. It's the same if you argue that 2 women won't provide a positive male posture in a child's life - what about single parents?

I actually laughed out loud at the argument, "Proceed with caution when implementing social changes." Really? REALLY? Where have people been hiding that they haven't noticed the change that has been happening for many years now? We are now hindering a change that has been happening for a very long time, and for what reason? I feel like we're back in the 60's, trying our best to keep anyone of color on the back of the bus, or at another water fountain.

I attend a Baptist church each week...and I have so many friends that attend church on a regular basis as well...so I would encourage everyone out there that believes all church-goers are in support of Prop 8 to take a second and not jump to judgmental conclusions - just as I would encourage those I sit next to in church to not pass judgment on anyone because of who they love. Gay does not equal negative...and that's the stigma society continues to support. There are so many people in the Bible that we could stop and look at and see such negativity surrounding them, yet Jesus loved each and every one of the people he encountered. I wish people would stop for a moment before they throw a religious rock in a glass house.

I have a best friend who is gay. She is the funniest and loveliest girl I know. I hope one day to attend her wedding...because she deserves the right to express her love and commitment just as much as each and every one of us deserves that right.

A glimpse into the mind...

My grandmother has Alzheimer’s. She is very open about having this terrible disease, and I’m always amazed at her resilience. She hasn’t started to forget us, her family, yet…but I know one day that time will come.

We go through a round-about with our conversations on most days. Always making the circle, but never finding the outlet it seems. I never mind though…the repetitive nature of our talks…because I always walk away knowing that she was never made to feel as though she were riding in that round-about. I have found that to be the most important part of how I handle my conversations with Grandma...never making her feel as though she is wrong, off-task, or out of this world with her conversation. It’s not about me…and the time the conversations take, or the manner in which they unfold. It’s about her…and her walking away with a smile and happy heart.

I spent some wonderful time with her the other night. She told me that it’s a terrible thing to be losing her memory, but that sometimes it’s nice to have the slate wiped clean every night when she goes to bed and awakes the following morning. I couldn’t help but laugh at her light-hearted approach to dealing with things…even wishing I could wipe the slate clean sometimes. She explained to me that the hardest part about having Alzheimer’s is how everyone else treats her. She said, “I don’t think they know what to expect, or how to handle someone with a memory issue, so they just pull away. I don’t have a lot of people that come to visit me any longer.”

That statement shot through me like poisoned arrow. I could feel myself grow sad and disappointed…even angry, knowing so many people that she was once close to have never been to see her, and rarely call her these days.

Are we really that selfish that we allow our own fear and uncertainty to pit us against an uncontrollable disease like Alzheimer’s? We allow distance to grow, and time to elapse, because we make someone else’s problem about us…and not about them. We fail to support those that need it most, and we fail to show love to those that forget we love them, and we allow all of this to happen because silence makes us uncomfortable. Conversation without direction makes us uncomfortable. The loss of a name is too much to handle. And not one of us takes the time to stop and ask, “How is Lorraine feeling?”

I cannot imagine what it must be like to wake up every morning and not know what day it is, what month it is, what year it is, what time it is. To have a calendar does nothing, because you forget to mark off the days. To forget in the evening that a dear friend came to visit that morning…even when that visit was the highlight of the day. I take those things for granted because they are a habit of every day life. I cannot imagine ever allowing those hardships that Grandma faces to come in between my time with her.

Her memories of the distant past are as clear as my memory of the days of the week. I take comfort, and find solace, in listening to her recall her history. The times she played softball in Indiana at the age of 15, and riding in the back of her brother’s pick-up truck all the way home, “in the worst storm I have ever seen;” Listening to her recollection of my grandfather – Papa Holt, and her undying love for him…paying me the biggest compliment by telling me that my sense of humor mirrors his. Her memories are in tact, even if her day-to-day memory is flawed.

I look at this tiny woman and see someone I can only hope to be like. I have rarely heard a negative thing come out of her mouth about another human being…and if it did…it was likely a deserving statement. She has always been colorblind to those around her, and would be loving of anyone that approached her.

For a woman her age, 79, she has the most progressive way of thinking I have ever seen. I was out with my closest girlfriends one night, playing cards, and I called to check on her and see how she was doing. We made small talk for a few minutes when I told her, “I guess I better let you go. I’m at my girlfriend’s house playing cards, but will give you a call again tomorrow.” She responded, “Have a great time, and tell her I can’t wait to meet her someday.” I hung up the phone in hysterics, telling my dear friends about the conversation, but took such pride in my grandmother’s open heart and mind. What a testament to her character. If only so many others could take that page from her life and hold it close to their broken hearts. She will never forget what she never was – racist, judgmental, homophobic.

Her mind is broken…but her heart is full of love, her smile is genuine, and her attitude toward life is one we could all model. She can continue to ask me where we are, and she can continue to call me by my mom’s name…but I will continue to spend my time with her and hope that a little bit of her unmistakable character rubs off on me. I’m so lucky to have her in my life!