Gone Mental

Okay, I haven’t actually “gone” out of my mind – but come one, aren’t we all a little mental anyway?

As part of my personal transformation, I had to come to grips with needing to revamp my mental and emotional well-being, as well as the physical. Being able to see myself daily made it easier to recognize the link between the ways I felt about myself and wanting to change my outward appearance and physical health. Not being afforded the luxury of an actual glimpse into my own mind – the mental health didn’t flash a big enough red flag for me.

I know that I’ve always been really good at hiding my feelings behind my sense of humor. Whether my feelings have been hurt, or I’m just sad about something in general, I have always fallen back on laughter. While not the healthiest way to handle life, it’s taught me not to take the “downs” so seriously, because I knew an “up” would be waiting around the corner. Laughter will always be a medicinal cure for me, and I would never change that. Hiding my thoughts and feelings away, however, has not been healthy and is changing. After all, I want the total package here!

I am a laid back girl that always goes with the flow in life, but I have recently found this to be an unhealthy way to live. From choosing where to go for dinner with friends, to bigger decisions like where to attend college, I have found that my final decision was always based on my audience. “What would the other people I’m with prefer to eat – I can find something there, so let’s make sure they are happy with the decision and pick somewhere I know they will enjoy.” “Will going away to college put a financial strain on my parents, or will it put me in a position that I will have to dig out from under loans after graduation – making life really hard?” I don’t know that I ever recognized my decision making flaw until I just recently dove into my therapy sessions. I’m finding that being a people pleaser left me out of the equation most of the time, and my happiness should be at the top of my priority list…or at least near the top.

Putting my wants and needs to the side doesn’t promote a happy life…it makes it tolerable. It’s a great way to avoid conflict and uncomfortable situations, but I’m finding that those conflicts can foster growth in relationships that may have never been otherwise experienced. I have missed out on so much, mainly for myself, because I put everyone else’s wants/needs before my own. I know it’s a happy balance, because I would never want to be so selfish that I didn’t take anyone else into consideration, but I am learning that I need to be more focused on what makes me happy as well. I need to be vocal about where I may want to eat, or where I want to vacation, or how others decisions have an affect on me as well. I just need to use my voice for me. The days of keeping quiet are slowly coming to an end.

It’s funny really – I’ve never had an issue speaking up on political opinions, or religious views, or anything else that I would call “public knowledge,” but the important PERSONAL things that affect my day-to-day life have always been a struggle. I guess I found myself caring how others see me more than how I saw myself, not wanting to let anyone down with a decision I make, or worrying that I wouldn’t make my parents proud. In reality, their pride in me as their daughter isn’t based on any of that nonsense…it’s based on my character, where my heart is, and the things I’ve said and done to promote diversity or support those feeling any kind of adversity. I’m proud of who I am, NOW…so I can really see their pride now also.

It is truly amazing what you can find out about yourself if you step outside for a moment. I’m finding that I like myself a hell of a lot more nowadays, and I’m enjoying life more now that I’m doing it for me! Are there still “downs,” absolutely…but they are getting easier, passing faster, and making the “ups” so much sweeter! Not to mention I’m finding myself that much funnier now that there’s no hidden agenda!