If you walk through my house, you won’t find many mirrors. There are the standard mirrors in the bathrooms, one in the guest room, and one in my dining room – and I wasn’t a fan of hanging that one from the start. Mirrors have always been my enemy. I guess I sound a lot like Robert Smith, from the Cure.
Most girls grow up with a full length mirror in the bedroom, or hanging on the back of the bathroom, bedroom, or closet door. I wasn’t one of those girls. I had body image issues from the time I was in 3rd grade, when the boys made fun of my training bra. I took their teasing to heart, when they were just being boys…and I kept those feelings I had locked away deep inside. At 32, I’m finally letting go of some of those issues.
Mirrors are direct reflections of our physical being – and I never understood that my twisted mind could distort the reality of that reflection until many years later. Growing up, I never saw a cute girl staring back at me in the mirror…I saw a chunky girl with big boobs, that wasn’t very pretty. It never mattered to me when people called me cute, or complimented an outfit: I didn’t believe them. How could I, when I never believed in myself. I hid behind clothes that were too big for me, and I became an emotional eater, and a closet eater. Food was my BFF.
Whenever a guy wasn’t interested in me, I just KNEW it was because I wasn’t skinny and/or cute. So I would eat more, and drink more, wallowing in self hate. What a miserable existence in which I lived.
The number of girls (and boys) that deal with the same feelings would probably alarm the masses…but I would venture to say EVERY girl has had a similar thought and/or feeling about themselves at one time or another, and 50% or more likely still deal with those haunting issues today. I’m one of those girls, but I’m slowly learning to take back my life…and hope that others can learn to do the same. It’s amazing how much more fun life can be when you let go and allow yourself some happiness.
I can remember, back in high school, having some great friends. I never felt judged by anyone that I called my friend, but I was so busy judging myself that I probably wouldn’t have noticed anyway. I never stayed home because of how I felt about myself though, I just internalized everything. I would venture to say that most people who knew me then, had no idea how I really felt about me during those years. I became a master of disguise…well, disguising my true feelings about me. Physically – I hated what I saw…which just weighed on me mentally and emotionally.
I don’t know when the turning point happened in 2010, but it did. I wanted to be healthy! (Notice, I didn’t say, ‘I wanted to be skinny’) I had breast reduction surgery at the end of 2007, and that helped my self-esteem (and back) tremendously…but that kind of plastic surgery didn’t bring the happiness I expected…I still saw the same girl in the mirror. I didn’t even want to be touched by anyone because I didn’t find worth in myself to warrant that kind of contact. Sometime earlier this year I just grew tired of seeing who I saw each day and the alarm bell finally sounded…I was broken. I decided then and there I wanted to be a better me…physically, emotionally, and mentally….and I HAD to start with the physical part.
Since March, I’ve lost another 20 lbs…putting me down nearly 60 lbs from my heaviest moment in time. I’m starting to see a different me, and most importantly, I’m feeling different. I started seeing a therapist a few months ago, and have made such great strides both mentally and emotionally. Therapy isn’t just for those people with severe issues – I truly believe that it would be beneficial for everyone…and I’m one of those people that has benefited. I hid my emotions under so many layers, for so many years, that I couldn’t place the correct emotion on anything in my life. I could always put each one on paper, but now I can actually talk about each one and how it applies to my life. I’m becoming a better me…and a more open me.
Had I not reached a breaking point when I did, I fear what may have happened to me in the coming years. I think I would have given up on life, love, happiness, and myself. And sometimes, I still have a problem not giving up on love – but that’s another layer I’ll get through in time. I still have a little ways to go with the physical me, but I plan to be there by the end of September.
For now, I’m peeling away the physical barrier in my life and allowing myself to see the world with new eyes. I’m 1/3 of the way through a complete overhaul in my life…and I cannot wait to see how the next 2/3 unravels! Trust me – those layers are already being peeled away as well.
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