I wish Heaven had e-mail

 

            Losing a loved one is never easy.  Whether you have time to “prepare” for their passing or not, you are never fully prepared.  You're never prepared for the level of grief that the loss brings either. 

I had it all together, so I thought, before I lost my grandma last August.  I knew she was approaching the end of her days here on earth, but I was NEVER prepared for her to go as soon as she did, or for the grief it would bring me.  Her "approach" meant another couple of years, in my mind.  I’m still waiting for the day when her being gone hurts a little less.  But I’ve started to process…and in doing so, this blog came to mind.

See, about 4 months after my grandma passed away I was emailing a group of my girlfriends when I stumbled across my grandmother’s e-mail address from years ago. I was trying to type in the last name of one of my friends when ‘Grandma’ popped up in the address line, as Yahoo tried to predict my actions and auto-populate the address for me to save time.  I froze.  Literally…could not move for almost 2 minutes.  I sat and stared at that address line as I could feel my throat restricting and the blazing hot tears threatening to erupt from my eyes.  I quickly clicked on the ‘X’ and closed the e-mail altogether.  I had to physically walk away for a minute.

I talk about my grandma often, but I had no idea what to do when faced with the idea of communication…or the lack thereof.  I felt like I was spiraling out of control, emotionally, when faced with the reality that I can’t hear her voice now, or talk with her, or just be near her.  I was scared I was reverting back to day one of my grief again.  And while I hadn’t come THAT far in the process, I had progressed enough that I knew I didn’t want to go back. 

So I allowed some time to go by and made sure to send emails based on first names, so as not to run into that emotional wall again.  But then I started to wonder…what would I wish to say if I had just a little more time?  I started to write it down…and then I drafted my first "letter"…and then I had one last hurdle…the ‘Send’ button.

I wish Heaven had e-mail.

While it may seem unhealthy to some, I am finding it therapeutic.  I get to say everything I want to say, and share all that I want to share, and cry all that I need…and then I click ‘Send’ and it’s off to cyber-space.  She knows my heart…always did…but in the moments when I feel like I miss her more than the day before, I take comfort in sending an email that allows me to get all of those thoughts/emotions out of my head. It may only be a momentary reprieve, but it’s a moment nonetheless.

Funny thing, I half expected to get a mailer daemon saying my message was undeliverable…so I created a folder in which to file all of those returned emails…but they never came.  So while I’m uncertain where they now sit…I’ll remain prepared, in the event they do come rushing back as undelivered.  In my heart, I know the message was still received in some way.

But, how cool would it be if Heaven really did have e-mail?

A Life with Purpose...

There are so many days when I wake up and feel angry that I have to get out of bed and go to work….or get out of bed to accomplish some of the life tasks that I’ve put on hold during the week.  I scowl when the dog barks at 4am because he wants to go potty…because I got home from work late and he had to eat later than normal.  I’m certain there are many of you that can relate….except I don’t want to be that way anymore.  I don’t to feel mad about waking up again.  I want to embrace the moment alone with my puppy at 4am, even though my eyelids want so badly to close once more.  I want to give thanks for another day of life…

It’s unfortunate that an event like an elementary school shooting is what it takes to snap us back to reality sometimes.  20 babies lost their lives last Friday…6 and 7 year old BABIES:  and I’m mad about HAVING to get up and live another day?  How embarrassing.

I want my life to have purpose…and I want to wake up each day, attempting to make a difference.  I want to embrace my loved ones a little more often, and share a smile with a stranger, with whom I would usually avoid eye contact. I want someone else to read this and it impact them enough that they lay their political agenda aside to just live and love for a minute. 

I am so saddened that the first thing we default to is gun control and mental health initiatives.  We could probably use a revamp on BOTH, to an extent, but people who want to kill will do so by any means they see fit:  Timothy McVeigh.  It’s more appropriate for us, as PEOPLE, to take a moment to just remember those young lives that were stolen before their time…and to remember those Educators and school personnel that put their own lives at risk to try and shield the children from such unimaginable evil.  Leave your politics for another day….instead take a moment to try and make a difference in another person’s life. 

I remember being an outcast in school at one time, and not really feeling as though I fit anywhere…but there were a few people that seemed to always smile my way, or share in a friendly conversation that made the day seem a little better.  They had no idea the impact their kindness had on my life…and I want nothing more than to pay that forward.  Is this going to stop another event like Newtown, Connecticut from happening?  Maybe not…but a little positivity and love never hurt anyone.  And continued prayer can’t hurt either…regardless of your religious affiliation.

I used to love reading the news every day, but I find it harder and harder to do so these days when the pages are littered with such hate and negativity.  I might not have the cure, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to sit idly by when I can be living my life with purpose…and hopefully, I can make a difference in some way!  

Christian - what's in the name...

The Characteristics of a Christian?

 A good friend of mine recently posted a note on a social networking site asking what characteristics one would attribute to a Christian…not what being a Christian “means,” per se, but what words would you use to describe a Christian?

 I immediately jumped on the opportunity to respond and share my two cents, for whatever they were worth. I was enamored with the response she received and I instantly knew I needed to re-visit the blog I intended to write so long ago.

 Before I get into my thoughts, here is a general summary of the responses she received:

• Faithful 
• Honest 
• Kind 
• Giving 
• Unselfish 
• Love 
• Joyful 
• Peaceful 
• Patient 
• Gentleness 
• Self-control 
• Forgiving 
• Love 
• Open 
• Honest 
• Non-judgmental 
• Love 
• Unconditional love 
• Humble 
• Compassionate 

 There a few repeats on the list, but I left them in there because I feel it important to show what characteristics come to mind most often...at least during this exercise. 

 Love. 

 In my mind, you cannot have “Christian” without “love.” 

 I would want the characteristic of “Non-Judgmental” to be attached to the term, but more often than not, it is the first thing I hear when openly discussing what it means to be a Christian. I am told that most Christians are judgmental and hypocritical. Well, that’s probably true. But in reality, aren’t most PEOPLE judgmental and hypocritical? We’ll come back to this… 

 When I was in college I went through a period in time where I didn’t want to be labeled by the church I chose to attend. I didn’t want to be called Baptist because there is a stereotype that follows that label. I wanted to be called a Believer. I STILL like that terminology really because there are NUMEROUS things I can disagree on concerning the Baptist church, or any church for that matter. The thing I DO NOT find fault in: believing in God, his son, my salvation, and LOVE. The kind of love that encompasses all of the traits/characteristics I listed at the beginning of this post. 

 Now, if we are honest with ourselves, we all probably know quite a few people that have so many of the characteristics I’m talking about, but that doesn’t make them a “Christian.” There is a string attached here that assumes a Christian is a Christ-believer. But on the flip-side, how many “Christians” do you know that possess some of these traits in their exact opposite? And we wonder why church and Christianity have a stigma attached to them… 

 There must be a point in our lives, regardless of our spiritual beliefs, when we must truly decide what kind of person we want to be at the core. As a Christian, I know that I strive to hold myself accountable for the way I live my life and the manner in which I treat those around me. I want people to associate me with the characteristics I’ve described, but not just that…I want them to ACCEPT me in spite of the ones I may not always exhibit. 

 I think this is always a touchy subject to tackle because people will generally become defensive at the thought that someone might be questioning them, or their beliefs. It’s not a personal attack most times, but it can snowball into an ugly confrontation pretty quickly when you have one person wanting to defend themselves, and another trying to explain the “why” around their questions. The level of debate and conversation in this country has diminished to most people feeling a personal attack and mounting an offensive comeback on almost everything. It’s sad really. 

 I have always invited anyone to feel free to talk with me about their spiritual/religious beliefs because we all stand to learn something new all the time. And in reality, I bring something different to the table of conversation than many Christians: a same-sex spouse…and I have had some “Christians” pull away from me because of that factor. That being said, I take a look back at the list of characteristics now and find that some of those seem to disappear completely in some “Christians” when they come to know everything about me: 

Unconditional Love. 

Non-Judgment. 

Kindness. 

Compassion. 

 Again, I am always open to discussion, but the moment it turns personal and disrespectful, I will kindly discontinue the conversation. There is a difference between discussion and judgment; we ALL need to remember that – regardless of the topic. 

 I guess the reality in this question could be two-fold: yes, there are many characteristics that we associate with the word “Christian,” but it’s also important to recognize their importance when thinking about what it means actually BE a Christian. These characteristics, by no means, account for every trait…but they seem to be the popular vote amongst many. Christian or not, they are also some damn fine traits to strive for as a PERSON!

San Francisco in November

Notorious for fog and cold weather, San Francisco was a pleasant surprise to me this November. I was lucky to be there when the temps were in the mid 60’s and the sun was shining every day. Don’t get me wrong, I found myself walking on the side of the street where the sun was shining because the shade was still a tad cool, but what can you expect being right on the water?

We stayed in Fisherman’s Wharf, and while it was a great hotel (The Sheraton), I would definitely choose to stay more toward the Financial District next go around. Every tourist known to man stays in the Wharf – and while there is a lot to see there – I would like to make my way in and out of there every day. The views are incredible though…Alcatraz, The Golden Gate Bridge, the entire Bay area…breath taking at times, the views are a definite draw in San Francisco.

If I may make two suggestions for anyone planning a trip to the Bay area – eat dinner at Franchino’s and rent bikes to ride across The Golden Gate Bridge!

Franchino’s is in North Beach and is one of many Italian restaurants of choice in that area. If I had to choose again, I would choose the same. I had the cheese tortellini and couldn’t have been happier. Coupled with a glass of Pinot Grigio, I quickly found myself in heaven. This little place boasts big atmosphere when it only seats probably 25 people, at most. The owner greets you in Italian and immediately makes you feel at home. We had reservations, so we were lucky to get right to a table, but I can’t imagine there ever being a huge wait. The turnaround seemed fairly quick. And the location – perfect for an after dinner stroll around the streets of North Beach…check it out!

Blazing Saddles was our stop for bikes in the Bay. They stand out on the street yelling in your face as you walk by, “BIKE THE BRIDGE!!!!” It’s a little overwhelming, but it’s a tourist town, so I expected it. What I did not expect was the fun I had biking 8+ miles across the bridge and into Sausalito. WOW! There are a couple of hills before the bridge that will take your breath away – but take a chance to recover, because the views from the bridge and Sausalito will steal your breath for sure!

When I was riding across the bridge, the sounds from the cars disappeared. In fact, I don’t recall hearing anything but silence as I looked at everything around me. I was probably blocking a lot out as well since I’m terrified of bridges, but I had to make this ride. I wasn’t disappointed. As you cross over and hit the mainland there is a spot to stop and see how far you’ve come, where you are, and where you are still headed. The hills down into Sausalito were fun for me because I love the speed of the downhill ride. As I came out at the base of the hill and into town I stopped to look around at all of the homes and businesses. I have never been to Italy, but I would imagine that it looks a lot like Sausalito. The homes on the water were beautiful, and the little street café’s that we passed had such a quaint appearance. We parked our bikes near the water and walked through the streets to get coffee and people watch. After 8 miles on a bike, I wasn’t sure I’d be able to walk at all, but the feeling you get from the accomplishment of conquering that ride is so motivating.

We opted to take the ferry home, which I enjoyed as well. It provided a perspective of what we had just accomplished that I wanted burned into my brain for a lifetime. It also allowed for great views of the Bay as we skirted across the waters past the bridge and Alcatraz. Besides, the monstrous hills we came down into Sausalito – no way could I have made it up those things to ride home!!

I am so lucky to be able to travel as much as I do. I’m blessed to experience the places I experience, and continue to grow as I broaden my horizons. As we all journey through life, it’s nice to step outside ourselves for a moment and breathe in the many places that surround us. There is so much to see in this great big world that I haven’t even begun to touch…but my bags are always close, and I’m ready for that next trip at all times!! San Franciso – check!

Music

Writing is my therapy and love - but I will tell you this...music runs a VERY close second. It's amazing to me the emotions that are stirred simply by hearing a song. Joy, sadness, anger, and peace are just a few emotions that I experience on a daily basis through a song. In fact, I've learned recently that mourning can be aided by music - although at the time, I found myself more angry that the words and rhythms were drawing tears from me instead of being willing to accept the fact that it was actually helping me move through the emotions that I wasn't willing to let go of on my own.

I took a trip this summer with three of my girlfriends and there is now a list of songs that I associate with the best moments of that trip. Whenever I hear them I'm instantly transported back to the beach, the streets of LA, or in the room getting ready to go out for the night. I find myself smiling uncontrollably during those moments because the songs remind me of such a happy moment in time. "Hello. Good morning."

Just as those songs bring me happiness, there is a playlist on my iPod for heartbreak as well. The songs on that playlist illicit a completely different set of emotions from me. I'm moving through those songs with anger and sadness - but with a hope that peace, will also come. So very different than the other songs that bring such joy, this list reminds me of the pain of love lost. What I find interesting: the songs that I hear in that list are songs that I have been listening to for a long time, and thoroughly love, but they are now associated with a totally different aspect of my life. And, as much as I love them, they will now and forever be associated with a broken heart. But don't get it twisted, I will keep listening!

Whether it's happy, sad, or angry, I wouldn't trade in my music for anything in the world. I love driving to work each morning and listening to my playlists. I love sitting on the airplane, falling asleep to a slow mix that I've saved. And as much as it hurts, I love working through the harder times in my life simply by listening to music.

While writing is what I love to do, and live to love, music will always hold a special place in my heart as well. In fact, there are notes and words accompanying me right now as I write - and they will likely continue to do so as I journey through life with pen to paper.

Why not allow music to set the soundtrack of your life? You might be surprised at the impact a song can have!

Senseless

I was listening to a song on the way to work this morning titled, “Wonderful Wonder,” by Ginny Owens. The first few lines of the song struck a nerve for me…

“I don’t know the ocean’s crystal blue…
And I don’t climb the mountains for the view.
Or wish upon the stars above my head…
Or bear witness to a marvelous sunset.”

Ginny Owens is an incredible pianist and vocalist. She is also blind.

Her words got me thinking…if I had to give up one of my senses at this point in my life, which one would I choose?

After a quick run down of the five senses, it was easy for me to choose. I would give up my hearing. I don’t like noise.

What was more interesting to me though, is the why behind my unwillingness to consider sight. Listening to Ginny’s song, it’s so incredibly touching to hear her pour her heart out about what she’s missing right now, but how she will be in awe, after death, by everything she is able to see for the first time.

For me, I am a visionary person. I like to be quiet and get lost in my own head (another reason why hearing was my choice) and just enjoy the sights around me. I like to see what is before me, touch what I see, and get lost in the eyes of another. Those are things that make me smile, they make my heart beat a little stronger, and they remind me of the life I have right before me.

I have been guilty in the past of overlooking what has been right before me, but I’m taking a little bit more time these days: Enough time to be reminded of what I love, who I love, and how seeing that love before me makes me feel.

Writing is what I love to do, and allowing myself to follow that love is becoming more fulfilling than I would have ever dreamed. One day, I will share that fulfillment with another as well – and I can only imagine the feelings that will provide us both.

I’m so fortunate to have all of my senses in tact, but I would be cheating myself if I didn’t take a little more time to enjoy each of them in the coming years. We are not promised tomorrow, nor are we promised everything we have today…we need to take the time to enjoy life to the fullest. Take some risks. Find purpose in a dream and follow it. Explore your senses and find the enjoyment in each when you focus on them.

I may even blindfold myself at the dinner table tonight and see how much more I enjoy that every day experience.

Borrowed Time

Living on borrowed time has always been a concept in which I believed. We have one life to live – we should take risks, live big, love much, and do everything for happiness. We’re borrowing the time we have, so why not use it to its fullest potential? Besides, we never know when that time will end.

It’s only been recent that I’ve started to really evaluate the way I spend all my time, with whom I spend that time, and what dreams I need to follow while I still have time to borrow. I’ve always played it safe. Financial security being number one on the list of to-do’s, followed by time spent with my family and friends, dating, travelling, and then the miscellaneous items in life. Those have all flip-flopped for me as of late. I can make money regardless, so the need to get more and more and more has dropped down on my radar…it’s been replaced by time with my family, dating, and travelling. These to-do items aren’t always in the same order either…which leaves me wide open for twists and turns. I’ve come to realize that happiness is SO important in this life…and while having money makes things easier sometimes, like travelling, it doesn’t bring me the happiness I ultimately want in life. I want to jump outside the box, follow my dreams, and make things happen that others would tell me are impossible. That is exactly why I finally got the star tattoo on the inside of my wrist. For me, it’s a reminder that the stars in reach, and I should remember to reach for them. It wasn’t until a few weeks ago that I realized I’m ready to commit to that statement. I’m ready to leap after my dreams…so I had the reminder inked to my wrist, and I plan to have 2 more added in the near future. Each representing a different star (dream) I want to grab onto.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m still that responsible girl that takes care of business behind the scenes, I’m just putting myself out there to take more risks. You gain nothing if you risk nothing…and there are things I want to gain.

There’s always a flip-side to risk-taking though…and I would like to think I’m centered enough in my life now that I will be able to take those unsuccessful outcomes in stride. I have had to do that recently, and I’m proud of myself for how I’m coming out on the other side. Pushing the door to, but not closing it all the way. I will be running that risk with the possibility of publishing as well. Some people will love my words; others will despise my style and technique. I refuse to give up until something hits printing though. I will take it all in stride…and the success that will follow will be a wrangled star for me.

We could all use a reminder now and again about what is important in life…what makes us happy…and it’s important that we fight for those things. We stand a little taller, smile a little wider, and can exhale a little longer when we do. I like being a dreamer, but more importantly now, I love being a follower of those dreams!