Senseless

I was listening to a song on the way to work this morning titled, “Wonderful Wonder,” by Ginny Owens. The first few lines of the song struck a nerve for me…

“I don’t know the ocean’s crystal blue…
And I don’t climb the mountains for the view.
Or wish upon the stars above my head…
Or bear witness to a marvelous sunset.”

Ginny Owens is an incredible pianist and vocalist. She is also blind.

Her words got me thinking…if I had to give up one of my senses at this point in my life, which one would I choose?

After a quick run down of the five senses, it was easy for me to choose. I would give up my hearing. I don’t like noise.

What was more interesting to me though, is the why behind my unwillingness to consider sight. Listening to Ginny’s song, it’s so incredibly touching to hear her pour her heart out about what she’s missing right now, but how she will be in awe, after death, by everything she is able to see for the first time.

For me, I am a visionary person. I like to be quiet and get lost in my own head (another reason why hearing was my choice) and just enjoy the sights around me. I like to see what is before me, touch what I see, and get lost in the eyes of another. Those are things that make me smile, they make my heart beat a little stronger, and they remind me of the life I have right before me.

I have been guilty in the past of overlooking what has been right before me, but I’m taking a little bit more time these days: Enough time to be reminded of what I love, who I love, and how seeing that love before me makes me feel.

Writing is what I love to do, and allowing myself to follow that love is becoming more fulfilling than I would have ever dreamed. One day, I will share that fulfillment with another as well – and I can only imagine the feelings that will provide us both.

I’m so fortunate to have all of my senses in tact, but I would be cheating myself if I didn’t take a little more time to enjoy each of them in the coming years. We are not promised tomorrow, nor are we promised everything we have today…we need to take the time to enjoy life to the fullest. Take some risks. Find purpose in a dream and follow it. Explore your senses and find the enjoyment in each when you focus on them.

I may even blindfold myself at the dinner table tonight and see how much more I enjoy that every day experience.

Borrowed Time

Living on borrowed time has always been a concept in which I believed. We have one life to live – we should take risks, live big, love much, and do everything for happiness. We’re borrowing the time we have, so why not use it to its fullest potential? Besides, we never know when that time will end.

It’s only been recent that I’ve started to really evaluate the way I spend all my time, with whom I spend that time, and what dreams I need to follow while I still have time to borrow. I’ve always played it safe. Financial security being number one on the list of to-do’s, followed by time spent with my family and friends, dating, travelling, and then the miscellaneous items in life. Those have all flip-flopped for me as of late. I can make money regardless, so the need to get more and more and more has dropped down on my radar…it’s been replaced by time with my family, dating, and travelling. These to-do items aren’t always in the same order either…which leaves me wide open for twists and turns. I’ve come to realize that happiness is SO important in this life…and while having money makes things easier sometimes, like travelling, it doesn’t bring me the happiness I ultimately want in life. I want to jump outside the box, follow my dreams, and make things happen that others would tell me are impossible. That is exactly why I finally got the star tattoo on the inside of my wrist. For me, it’s a reminder that the stars in reach, and I should remember to reach for them. It wasn’t until a few weeks ago that I realized I’m ready to commit to that statement. I’m ready to leap after my dreams…so I had the reminder inked to my wrist, and I plan to have 2 more added in the near future. Each representing a different star (dream) I want to grab onto.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m still that responsible girl that takes care of business behind the scenes, I’m just putting myself out there to take more risks. You gain nothing if you risk nothing…and there are things I want to gain.

There’s always a flip-side to risk-taking though…and I would like to think I’m centered enough in my life now that I will be able to take those unsuccessful outcomes in stride. I have had to do that recently, and I’m proud of myself for how I’m coming out on the other side. Pushing the door to, but not closing it all the way. I will be running that risk with the possibility of publishing as well. Some people will love my words; others will despise my style and technique. I refuse to give up until something hits printing though. I will take it all in stride…and the success that will follow will be a wrangled star for me.

We could all use a reminder now and again about what is important in life…what makes us happy…and it’s important that we fight for those things. We stand a little taller, smile a little wider, and can exhale a little longer when we do. I like being a dreamer, but more importantly now, I love being a follower of those dreams!

"Bullied to death"

With all the recent headlines I have felt compelled to write the issue of bullying. Young people are taking their own lives because of the pressures put upon them by other human beings. It has to end…and now.

Bullies have been around forever, but it just seems to me that it’s starting earlier, and more intense, than ever before. I can remember seeing it happen in my schools, and I can remember making sarcastic remarks that probably hurt people’s feelings…but breaking a CHILD’s arm because he wanted to be a cheerleader? Unfathomable-yes…but no longer unrealistic.

Why do people harbor the idea they are superior to others? Why in the world would anyone think it okay to SPY on a roommate and broadcast their private life over the internet? We are a sick world that times have come to this. People hide their true selves because they see what is happening to others around them, and end up missing out on so much in life because of fear. They fear the repercussions, they fear the backlash, they fear being outcast, and they fear rejection. We are supposed to be taking steps forward, but I feel like Rosa Parks has since been replaced by a gay teen on the back of the bus...who feels compelled to put a gun to his/her head because they fear nothing will get better. I thought we were breaking these cycles…but that teen could be one of less fortune as well.

We need to take a stand, regardless of our personal beliefs, and let people know that it should be common decency to respect those around you. I’m not asking anyone to change what they believe – but is it too much to ask everyone to form a united front for LIFE? How many young people have to die before we step outside ourselves and scream that it’s not okay? It’s not okay to make fun of someone everyday because of the clothes they wear, or the music they like, or their sexual orientation! Stripped naked and put in a crowd, we are all the same, barring gender. But it starts with each of us…to find our voices and speak up for those that feel their mouths are covered.

This is something that hits home for me, for personal reasons, and I am nothing short of passionate about doing whatever possible to support and encourage those that are bullied. Opening up communication and starting a dialogue with any young person that is being affected is a responsibility each of us should take seriously. You never know when your child, niece, nephew, cousin, neighbor, or friend could be hurting so deeply because of how they are being treated. According to statistics, 1 in 5 students are bullied each year-and a staggering 9 in 10 gay/lesbian students. So don’t stay still, and don’t remain quiet…the longer we do, the more lives we’ll lose.

Get Out of Town

No seriously… you should GO.

I’m a gypsy these days...at least that what’s my cousin tells me. But, the truth is that I love vacationing and getting out of town. There is so much to see and do, and I want to look back 10 years from now and smile at all of things I’ve done and seen. I actually feel a little bit sorry for those people that don’t go anywhere...or they just go back to the same place all the time. Maybe it’s my roots that make me this way, but I love it, and would encourage others to GET OUT.

See, I grew up from the midwest, to the west, to the southwest, to the southeast in the US. I moved for the first time at 6 months old…so that’s one I don’t remember...but I remember Kentucky, I remember Las Vegas, I remember El Paso, and I remember Knoxville. I wasn’t a military brat, I was a Levi’s brat! Dad’s job took us to each place...then I brought myself back to northern Kentucky in 1998. (I’ve been itching to move again since like 2003) The diversity of these places has helped shape me into the person that I am today. I love Las Vegas…and my heart remains out west, for sure...but I learned the most in El Paso and Knoxville. Such polar opposites are these places.

In El Paso, I was one of maybe 8 white kids in the school that I remember. Yet, I never felt like I stuck out like a sore thumb. I don’t remember any discrimination or intimidation for my race. When I moved to Knoxville, it was a sea of white kids – and yet I felt like I stuck out. I will never forget starting there in 8th grade, not knowing anyone, and asking someone where all the black kids were...I won’t soon forget that laughter. My junior year of high school, after a football game, I was forced out of a local establishment because there was a black guy with me and my good friend. It was a definite switch in gears for me in the southeast...but I did make some great friends in each location, and loved both places dearly.

I did find one likeness in both places though – most people were born there, have known their friends since birth, only vacation to one place, and live in a sort-of “bubble.” As I’ve gotten older, I’ve seen many people burst that bubble and branch out, but some never did. To each their own – but man, they have no idea what they’re missing!! I couldn’t imagine a life without diversity, travel, new experiences and people. I’m convinced that living your life in a shell doesn’t protect you from the world...it hides you from life’s possibilities. I want to...and see...and meet...and grow...and do.

So GET OUTTA HERE. Take a leap of faith and accept that job in another state (if you hate it, you can always make your way back home). Take a vacation to a place you don’t know much about, and get lost in the city there – experiencing everything it has to offer. We have one life to live – and we should live it to fullest. Never settle, never stop learning, never stop growing, and never forget to tell thos you love how you feel. The moment you do, life will lose a meaning you never knew existed!

Emotionally stunted??

I sat through therapy last week and after 45 minutes I felt like I was having an epiphany.

“I think I’m emotionally stunted,” I said.

My therapist’s eyebrows went through the roof. She even grinned for a minute before asking me why I felt that way, and what ultimately brought me to that conclusion.

I laughed a little bit before responding:

“Well, a couple weeks ago we were talking about that e-mail I received and you asked me to place an emotion on what the sender was likely feeling. Only the most basic emotions sprang to mind – sad, upset, etc. It wasn’t until you said ‘fear’ that I realized that was the exact emotion, and I should have known it, and likely did know it, but I couldn’t verbalize it. I felt, in that moment, that I had lost touch with emotions, and that conversation has bothered me for the past two weeks now.”

Our conversation progressed on, but I came home, and now a week later, am still questioning myself. An emotional awakening and revamp was/is the 3rd part of my total revision…and it’s turning out to be the hardest. I never would have expected that because I’m not afraid to cry, or be angry, or laugh…but what I’m finding is that I’m not afraid to physically show my emotions – I just haven’t been able to completely define them…or those around me, for that matter. Hell, I can even write emotionally and have readers feel what I want them to feel…so where is the disconnect?

Well, after our follow-up session this week I made some realizations. I’m careful. It’s not that I’m unemotional, or unable to label the emotions I see and feel, but more that I take care along the way to ensure I have no regrets in life – so my emotions don’t run wild during specific moments when others’ might. I felt better when I walked away this week because I felt like I was able to “feel” what I felt, and I was able to relate to what others may be feeling as well. A lot to understand: yes. Hopeless: no.

I’m an analyzer, a planner, and an organizer. When you throw in spontaneity, you kink the curve even more. I don’t make rash decisions, I consider all options, I take pride in my stability, and give my all in everything in which I’m involved. I like to believe that I have a big heart, an open mind, and a willingness to please. I cry with those that need me to do so and I laugh when it’s appropriate (and inappropriate). I am finding that what I once thought I was unable to do, I’m actually able to do so with fervor: separate my emotions from situations, when necessary. I’m not emotionally stunted, I’m just in control of my life.

I think the years of pleasing everyone else before myself played into my necessary check of my emotions. I forgot what it was like to make myself happy, allow myself to be scared, take pride in my accomplishments, and feel sad and alone when I want to feel that way. Before, I would just task myself to death – a nice distraction from feeling any of the above…not now. Now – I’m finding joy in laughing when no one else sees what’s funny, and I’m LEARNING to brush off the angry drivers around me instead of raging myself (and finding that dancing in my car makes the anger dissipate quicker), and I’m relishing in the time I have with my family – because I only have one family, and one life to know them. My emotions are deep rooted, yet finding their way to the surface more often now than ever before. I look forward to future emotional growth as well.

If I could hand out any piece of advice, that I would like to take myself, it would be for everyone to tap into their emotions…learn how they feel, what triggers certain reactions, how to deliver messages getting your point across – all the while taking the receiver’s feelings into consideration, and most importantly…don’t hide behind a smile if that’s not how you’re feeling. It’s see-through and will do nothing but prolong the inevitable admittance you need to face. And let’s face it – there’s nothing worse than someone walking around with a fake smile.

Gone Mental

Okay, I haven’t actually “gone” out of my mind – but come one, aren’t we all a little mental anyway?

As part of my personal transformation, I had to come to grips with needing to revamp my mental and emotional well-being, as well as the physical. Being able to see myself daily made it easier to recognize the link between the ways I felt about myself and wanting to change my outward appearance and physical health. Not being afforded the luxury of an actual glimpse into my own mind – the mental health didn’t flash a big enough red flag for me.

I know that I’ve always been really good at hiding my feelings behind my sense of humor. Whether my feelings have been hurt, or I’m just sad about something in general, I have always fallen back on laughter. While not the healthiest way to handle life, it’s taught me not to take the “downs” so seriously, because I knew an “up” would be waiting around the corner. Laughter will always be a medicinal cure for me, and I would never change that. Hiding my thoughts and feelings away, however, has not been healthy and is changing. After all, I want the total package here!

I am a laid back girl that always goes with the flow in life, but I have recently found this to be an unhealthy way to live. From choosing where to go for dinner with friends, to bigger decisions like where to attend college, I have found that my final decision was always based on my audience. “What would the other people I’m with prefer to eat – I can find something there, so let’s make sure they are happy with the decision and pick somewhere I know they will enjoy.” “Will going away to college put a financial strain on my parents, or will it put me in a position that I will have to dig out from under loans after graduation – making life really hard?” I don’t know that I ever recognized my decision making flaw until I just recently dove into my therapy sessions. I’m finding that being a people pleaser left me out of the equation most of the time, and my happiness should be at the top of my priority list…or at least near the top.

Putting my wants and needs to the side doesn’t promote a happy life…it makes it tolerable. It’s a great way to avoid conflict and uncomfortable situations, but I’m finding that those conflicts can foster growth in relationships that may have never been otherwise experienced. I have missed out on so much, mainly for myself, because I put everyone else’s wants/needs before my own. I know it’s a happy balance, because I would never want to be so selfish that I didn’t take anyone else into consideration, but I am learning that I need to be more focused on what makes me happy as well. I need to be vocal about where I may want to eat, or where I want to vacation, or how others decisions have an affect on me as well. I just need to use my voice for me. The days of keeping quiet are slowly coming to an end.

It’s funny really – I’ve never had an issue speaking up on political opinions, or religious views, or anything else that I would call “public knowledge,” but the important PERSONAL things that affect my day-to-day life have always been a struggle. I guess I found myself caring how others see me more than how I saw myself, not wanting to let anyone down with a decision I make, or worrying that I wouldn’t make my parents proud. In reality, their pride in me as their daughter isn’t based on any of that nonsense…it’s based on my character, where my heart is, and the things I’ve said and done to promote diversity or support those feeling any kind of adversity. I’m proud of who I am, NOW…so I can really see their pride now also.

It is truly amazing what you can find out about yourself if you step outside for a moment. I’m finding that I like myself a hell of a lot more nowadays, and I’m enjoying life more now that I’m doing it for me! Are there still “downs,” absolutely…but they are getting easier, passing faster, and making the “ups” so much sweeter! Not to mention I’m finding myself that much funnier now that there’s no hidden agenda!

A hate crime hits home for me...

Hate crimes...

1998 - A black man is chained behind a truck in Jasper, Texas and dragged to his death by 3 white men.

2010 - A white man in South Carolina is charged with killing a black man and dragging his body behind a truck for 10 miles.

1998 - A gay man is tortured and murdered in Wyoming for being gay.

Hate crimes...and these are just a few.

We read about these stories in the news...the beatings, the senseless deaths, the riots and then supportive marches by protected groups like the KKK. Unfortunately, it has finally hit too close to home for me.

Sunday, August 15, 2010 - 2 women were attacked in Mainstrasse Village in Covington, KY. Slurs were being screamed at them through the entire ordeal, "Faggots" "Dykes" "Queers." One girl was punched in the face by a man named Timothy Searp. "He had a knife in my face the entire time," she told me. Her head was slammed against a brick wall and she was thrown into the street by her hair, where another man - Devlin Burke - proceeded to kick her repeatedly. "He kept running at me and kicking like I was a football." Her friend dove on top of her in the street to shield her from enduring any more blows and struck the attacker with a wine bottle she had received earlier that night as a house warming gift. It was enough to stagger Burke and prevent my friend from being pummeled any further.

A passing van stopped to try and assist my friend and her group...these good Samaritans paid a price as well. One man was stabbed in the stomach, one teenager was slashed across the wrist, and still another had his pants slashed by the knife-wielding cowards.

Hate crimes...

I have never been more disgusted with people than I am right now. This isn't just another news story to me...it took place in an area near where I lived in college. It happened around the bars that I have visited. It directly affected someone I call my dear friend. I have no problem making my views known about acts like this - but I will be taking a stronger stance now. Laying low accomplishes little in life - so it's time to stand tall.

There is now an action plan in the works for the city of Covington - and I will gladly be a part of the activities and fundraisers that will be coming down the road, in an attempt to take the city back that stares at Cincinnati from across the river. I was born in Covington. My mom grew up in Covington. I don't want to be ashamed of Covington.

Here is a link to the story itself:

http://www.local12.com/news/local/story/Police-Say-Gays-Are-Target-of-Mainstrasse-Attacks/DUfW_vzdTUWYacbU1y6xoA.cspx

Seriously - when are we going to stop taking one step forward, and 3 steps back?