Okay, I haven’t actually “gone” out of my mind – but come one, aren’t we all a little mental anyway?
As part of my personal transformation, I had to come to grips with needing to revamp my mental and emotional well-being, as well as the physical. Being able to see myself daily made it easier to recognize the link between the ways I felt about myself and wanting to change my outward appearance and physical health. Not being afforded the luxury of an actual glimpse into my own mind – the mental health didn’t flash a big enough red flag for me.
I know that I’ve always been really good at hiding my feelings behind my sense of humor. Whether my feelings have been hurt, or I’m just sad about something in general, I have always fallen back on laughter. While not the healthiest way to handle life, it’s taught me not to take the “downs” so seriously, because I knew an “up” would be waiting around the corner. Laughter will always be a medicinal cure for me, and I would never change that. Hiding my thoughts and feelings away, however, has not been healthy and is changing. After all, I want the total package here!
I am a laid back girl that always goes with the flow in life, but I have recently found this to be an unhealthy way to live. From choosing where to go for dinner with friends, to bigger decisions like where to attend college, I have found that my final decision was always based on my audience. “What would the other people I’m with prefer to eat – I can find something there, so let’s make sure they are happy with the decision and pick somewhere I know they will enjoy.” “Will going away to college put a financial strain on my parents, or will it put me in a position that I will have to dig out from under loans after graduation – making life really hard?” I don’t know that I ever recognized my decision making flaw until I just recently dove into my therapy sessions. I’m finding that being a people pleaser left me out of the equation most of the time, and my happiness should be at the top of my priority list…or at least near the top.
Putting my wants and needs to the side doesn’t promote a happy life…it makes it tolerable. It’s a great way to avoid conflict and uncomfortable situations, but I’m finding that those conflicts can foster growth in relationships that may have never been otherwise experienced. I have missed out on so much, mainly for myself, because I put everyone else’s wants/needs before my own. I know it’s a happy balance, because I would never want to be so selfish that I didn’t take anyone else into consideration, but I am learning that I need to be more focused on what makes me happy as well. I need to be vocal about where I may want to eat, or where I want to vacation, or how others decisions have an affect on me as well. I just need to use my voice for me. The days of keeping quiet are slowly coming to an end.
It’s funny really – I’ve never had an issue speaking up on political opinions, or religious views, or anything else that I would call “public knowledge,” but the important PERSONAL things that affect my day-to-day life have always been a struggle. I guess I found myself caring how others see me more than how I saw myself, not wanting to let anyone down with a decision I make, or worrying that I wouldn’t make my parents proud. In reality, their pride in me as their daughter isn’t based on any of that nonsense…it’s based on my character, where my heart is, and the things I’ve said and done to promote diversity or support those feeling any kind of adversity. I’m proud of who I am, NOW…so I can really see their pride now also.
It is truly amazing what you can find out about yourself if you step outside for a moment. I’m finding that I like myself a hell of a lot more nowadays, and I’m enjoying life more now that I’m doing it for me! Are there still “downs,” absolutely…but they are getting easier, passing faster, and making the “ups” so much sweeter! Not to mention I’m finding myself that much funnier now that there’s no hidden agenda!
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Thursday, August 19, 2010
A hate crime hits home for me...
Hate crimes...
1998 - A black man is chained behind a truck in Jasper, Texas and dragged to his death by 3 white men.
2010 - A white man in South Carolina is charged with killing a black man and dragging his body behind a truck for 10 miles.
1998 - A gay man is tortured and murdered in Wyoming for being gay.
Hate crimes...and these are just a few.
We read about these stories in the news...the beatings, the senseless deaths, the riots and then supportive marches by protected groups like the KKK. Unfortunately, it has finally hit too close to home for me.
Sunday, August 15, 2010 - 2 women were attacked in Mainstrasse Village in Covington, KY. Slurs were being screamed at them through the entire ordeal, "Faggots" "Dykes" "Queers." One girl was punched in the face by a man named Timothy Searp. "He had a knife in my face the entire time," she told me. Her head was slammed against a brick wall and she was thrown into the street by her hair, where another man - Devlin Burke - proceeded to kick her repeatedly. "He kept running at me and kicking like I was a football." Her friend dove on top of her in the street to shield her from enduring any more blows and struck the attacker with a wine bottle she had received earlier that night as a house warming gift. It was enough to stagger Burke and prevent my friend from being pummeled any further.
A passing van stopped to try and assist my friend and her group...these good Samaritans paid a price as well. One man was stabbed in the stomach, one teenager was slashed across the wrist, and still another had his pants slashed by the knife-wielding cowards.
Hate crimes...
I have never been more disgusted with people than I am right now. This isn't just another news story to me...it took place in an area near where I lived in college. It happened around the bars that I have visited. It directly affected someone I call my dear friend. I have no problem making my views known about acts like this - but I will be taking a stronger stance now. Laying low accomplishes little in life - so it's time to stand tall.
There is now an action plan in the works for the city of Covington - and I will gladly be a part of the activities and fundraisers that will be coming down the road, in an attempt to take the city back that stares at Cincinnati from across the river. I was born in Covington. My mom grew up in Covington. I don't want to be ashamed of Covington.
Here is a link to the story itself:
http://www.local12.com/news/local/story/Police-Say-Gays-Are-Target-of-Mainstrasse-Attacks/DUfW_vzdTUWYacbU1y6xoA.cspx
Seriously - when are we going to stop taking one step forward, and 3 steps back?
1998 - A black man is chained behind a truck in Jasper, Texas and dragged to his death by 3 white men.
2010 - A white man in South Carolina is charged with killing a black man and dragging his body behind a truck for 10 miles.
1998 - A gay man is tortured and murdered in Wyoming for being gay.
Hate crimes...and these are just a few.
We read about these stories in the news...the beatings, the senseless deaths, the riots and then supportive marches by protected groups like the KKK. Unfortunately, it has finally hit too close to home for me.
Sunday, August 15, 2010 - 2 women were attacked in Mainstrasse Village in Covington, KY. Slurs were being screamed at them through the entire ordeal, "Faggots" "Dykes" "Queers." One girl was punched in the face by a man named Timothy Searp. "He had a knife in my face the entire time," she told me. Her head was slammed against a brick wall and she was thrown into the street by her hair, where another man - Devlin Burke - proceeded to kick her repeatedly. "He kept running at me and kicking like I was a football." Her friend dove on top of her in the street to shield her from enduring any more blows and struck the attacker with a wine bottle she had received earlier that night as a house warming gift. It was enough to stagger Burke and prevent my friend from being pummeled any further.
A passing van stopped to try and assist my friend and her group...these good Samaritans paid a price as well. One man was stabbed in the stomach, one teenager was slashed across the wrist, and still another had his pants slashed by the knife-wielding cowards.
Hate crimes...
I have never been more disgusted with people than I am right now. This isn't just another news story to me...it took place in an area near where I lived in college. It happened around the bars that I have visited. It directly affected someone I call my dear friend. I have no problem making my views known about acts like this - but I will be taking a stronger stance now. Laying low accomplishes little in life - so it's time to stand tall.
There is now an action plan in the works for the city of Covington - and I will gladly be a part of the activities and fundraisers that will be coming down the road, in an attempt to take the city back that stares at Cincinnati from across the river. I was born in Covington. My mom grew up in Covington. I don't want to be ashamed of Covington.
Here is a link to the story itself:
http://www.local12.com/news/local/story/Police-Say-Gays-Are-Target-of-Mainstrasse-Attacks/DUfW_vzdTUWYacbU1y6xoA.cspx
Seriously - when are we going to stop taking one step forward, and 3 steps back?
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Mirror, mirror...
If you walk through my house, you won’t find many mirrors. There are the standard mirrors in the bathrooms, one in the guest room, and one in my dining room – and I wasn’t a fan of hanging that one from the start. Mirrors have always been my enemy. I guess I sound a lot like Robert Smith, from the Cure.
Most girls grow up with a full length mirror in the bedroom, or hanging on the back of the bathroom, bedroom, or closet door. I wasn’t one of those girls. I had body image issues from the time I was in 3rd grade, when the boys made fun of my training bra. I took their teasing to heart, when they were just being boys…and I kept those feelings I had locked away deep inside. At 32, I’m finally letting go of some of those issues.
Mirrors are direct reflections of our physical being – and I never understood that my twisted mind could distort the reality of that reflection until many years later. Growing up, I never saw a cute girl staring back at me in the mirror…I saw a chunky girl with big boobs, that wasn’t very pretty. It never mattered to me when people called me cute, or complimented an outfit: I didn’t believe them. How could I, when I never believed in myself. I hid behind clothes that were too big for me, and I became an emotional eater, and a closet eater. Food was my BFF.
Whenever a guy wasn’t interested in me, I just KNEW it was because I wasn’t skinny and/or cute. So I would eat more, and drink more, wallowing in self hate. What a miserable existence in which I lived.
The number of girls (and boys) that deal with the same feelings would probably alarm the masses…but I would venture to say EVERY girl has had a similar thought and/or feeling about themselves at one time or another, and 50% or more likely still deal with those haunting issues today. I’m one of those girls, but I’m slowly learning to take back my life…and hope that others can learn to do the same. It’s amazing how much more fun life can be when you let go and allow yourself some happiness.
I can remember, back in high school, having some great friends. I never felt judged by anyone that I called my friend, but I was so busy judging myself that I probably wouldn’t have noticed anyway. I never stayed home because of how I felt about myself though, I just internalized everything. I would venture to say that most people who knew me then, had no idea how I really felt about me during those years. I became a master of disguise…well, disguising my true feelings about me. Physically – I hated what I saw…which just weighed on me mentally and emotionally.
I don’t know when the turning point happened in 2010, but it did. I wanted to be healthy! (Notice, I didn’t say, ‘I wanted to be skinny’) I had breast reduction surgery at the end of 2007, and that helped my self-esteem (and back) tremendously…but that kind of plastic surgery didn’t bring the happiness I expected…I still saw the same girl in the mirror. I didn’t even want to be touched by anyone because I didn’t find worth in myself to warrant that kind of contact. Sometime earlier this year I just grew tired of seeing who I saw each day and the alarm bell finally sounded…I was broken. I decided then and there I wanted to be a better me…physically, emotionally, and mentally….and I HAD to start with the physical part.
Since March, I’ve lost another 20 lbs…putting me down nearly 60 lbs from my heaviest moment in time. I’m starting to see a different me, and most importantly, I’m feeling different. I started seeing a therapist a few months ago, and have made such great strides both mentally and emotionally. Therapy isn’t just for those people with severe issues – I truly believe that it would be beneficial for everyone…and I’m one of those people that has benefited. I hid my emotions under so many layers, for so many years, that I couldn’t place the correct emotion on anything in my life. I could always put each one on paper, but now I can actually talk about each one and how it applies to my life. I’m becoming a better me…and a more open me.
Had I not reached a breaking point when I did, I fear what may have happened to me in the coming years. I think I would have given up on life, love, happiness, and myself. And sometimes, I still have a problem not giving up on love – but that’s another layer I’ll get through in time. I still have a little ways to go with the physical me, but I plan to be there by the end of September.
For now, I’m peeling away the physical barrier in my life and allowing myself to see the world with new eyes. I’m 1/3 of the way through a complete overhaul in my life…and I cannot wait to see how the next 2/3 unravels! Trust me – those layers are already being peeled away as well.
Most girls grow up with a full length mirror in the bedroom, or hanging on the back of the bathroom, bedroom, or closet door. I wasn’t one of those girls. I had body image issues from the time I was in 3rd grade, when the boys made fun of my training bra. I took their teasing to heart, when they were just being boys…and I kept those feelings I had locked away deep inside. At 32, I’m finally letting go of some of those issues.
Mirrors are direct reflections of our physical being – and I never understood that my twisted mind could distort the reality of that reflection until many years later. Growing up, I never saw a cute girl staring back at me in the mirror…I saw a chunky girl with big boobs, that wasn’t very pretty. It never mattered to me when people called me cute, or complimented an outfit: I didn’t believe them. How could I, when I never believed in myself. I hid behind clothes that were too big for me, and I became an emotional eater, and a closet eater. Food was my BFF.
Whenever a guy wasn’t interested in me, I just KNEW it was because I wasn’t skinny and/or cute. So I would eat more, and drink more, wallowing in self hate. What a miserable existence in which I lived.
The number of girls (and boys) that deal with the same feelings would probably alarm the masses…but I would venture to say EVERY girl has had a similar thought and/or feeling about themselves at one time or another, and 50% or more likely still deal with those haunting issues today. I’m one of those girls, but I’m slowly learning to take back my life…and hope that others can learn to do the same. It’s amazing how much more fun life can be when you let go and allow yourself some happiness.
I can remember, back in high school, having some great friends. I never felt judged by anyone that I called my friend, but I was so busy judging myself that I probably wouldn’t have noticed anyway. I never stayed home because of how I felt about myself though, I just internalized everything. I would venture to say that most people who knew me then, had no idea how I really felt about me during those years. I became a master of disguise…well, disguising my true feelings about me. Physically – I hated what I saw…which just weighed on me mentally and emotionally.
I don’t know when the turning point happened in 2010, but it did. I wanted to be healthy! (Notice, I didn’t say, ‘I wanted to be skinny’) I had breast reduction surgery at the end of 2007, and that helped my self-esteem (and back) tremendously…but that kind of plastic surgery didn’t bring the happiness I expected…I still saw the same girl in the mirror. I didn’t even want to be touched by anyone because I didn’t find worth in myself to warrant that kind of contact. Sometime earlier this year I just grew tired of seeing who I saw each day and the alarm bell finally sounded…I was broken. I decided then and there I wanted to be a better me…physically, emotionally, and mentally….and I HAD to start with the physical part.
Since March, I’ve lost another 20 lbs…putting me down nearly 60 lbs from my heaviest moment in time. I’m starting to see a different me, and most importantly, I’m feeling different. I started seeing a therapist a few months ago, and have made such great strides both mentally and emotionally. Therapy isn’t just for those people with severe issues – I truly believe that it would be beneficial for everyone…and I’m one of those people that has benefited. I hid my emotions under so many layers, for so many years, that I couldn’t place the correct emotion on anything in my life. I could always put each one on paper, but now I can actually talk about each one and how it applies to my life. I’m becoming a better me…and a more open me.
Had I not reached a breaking point when I did, I fear what may have happened to me in the coming years. I think I would have given up on life, love, happiness, and myself. And sometimes, I still have a problem not giving up on love – but that’s another layer I’ll get through in time. I still have a little ways to go with the physical me, but I plan to be there by the end of September.
For now, I’m peeling away the physical barrier in my life and allowing myself to see the world with new eyes. I’m 1/3 of the way through a complete overhaul in my life…and I cannot wait to see how the next 2/3 unravels! Trust me – those layers are already being peeled away as well.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Prop 8 squashed in California - finally
The decision finally came down last week that millions of Americans have been waiting patiently for - Judge Vaughn Walker of California declared Proposition 8, that had previously banned same-sex marriage, unconstitutional. A grand gesture, and in my opinion, a stride in the right direction.
If I may step back in time for a moment, I spent some time in California with a great friend of mine in 2008. We went out one night while I was there and found ourselves in the middle of a march for No on Proposition 8. I was familiar, at the time, with the debate that would soon take the legality of same-sex marriages away once more...but I hadn't been exposed to much since I didn't reside in Cali. This march quickly became one of my favorite memories. I have been against Prop 8 from the beginning, but it felt so good to carry a No on 8 sign as I walked through streets filled with numerous people. Gay, straight, black, white, male, female...none of that matter to anyone out there...it was about equality. I walked away that night with a warm heart.
I continue to read the arguments that those in support of Prop 8 supply. For example - marriage needing to be reserved for one man and one woman. Why? I appreciate that Judge Walker's response was "Tradition alone cannot form a rational basis for a law." So many people worry about the tradition of marriage being destroyed...I think we can all agree that a divorce rate of over 50%, when only straight couples were allowed to marry, shows a pretty strong decline in tradition. If that's the route people really want to take, stack the decks side-by-side. It's the same if you argue that 2 women won't provide a positive male posture in a child's life - what about single parents?
I actually laughed out loud at the argument, "Proceed with caution when implementing social changes." Really? REALLY? Where have people been hiding that they haven't noticed the change that has been happening for many years now? We are now hindering a change that has been happening for a very long time, and for what reason? I feel like we're back in the 60's, trying our best to keep anyone of color on the back of the bus, or at another water fountain.
I attend a Baptist church each week...and I have so many friends that attend church on a regular basis as well...so I would encourage everyone out there that believes all church-goers are in support of Prop 8 to take a second and not jump to judgmental conclusions - just as I would encourage those I sit next to in church to not pass judgment on anyone because of who they love. Gay does not equal negative...and that's the stigma society continues to support. There are so many people in the Bible that we could stop and look at and see such negativity surrounding them, yet Jesus loved each and every one of the people he encountered. I wish people would stop for a moment before they throw a religious rock in a glass house.
I have a best friend who is gay. She is the funniest and loveliest girl I know. I hope one day to attend her wedding...because she deserves the right to express her love and commitment just as much as each and every one of us deserves that right.
If I may step back in time for a moment, I spent some time in California with a great friend of mine in 2008. We went out one night while I was there and found ourselves in the middle of a march for No on Proposition 8. I was familiar, at the time, with the debate that would soon take the legality of same-sex marriages away once more...but I hadn't been exposed to much since I didn't reside in Cali. This march quickly became one of my favorite memories. I have been against Prop 8 from the beginning, but it felt so good to carry a No on 8 sign as I walked through streets filled with numerous people. Gay, straight, black, white, male, female...none of that matter to anyone out there...it was about equality. I walked away that night with a warm heart.
I continue to read the arguments that those in support of Prop 8 supply. For example - marriage needing to be reserved for one man and one woman. Why? I appreciate that Judge Walker's response was "Tradition alone cannot form a rational basis for a law." So many people worry about the tradition of marriage being destroyed...I think we can all agree that a divorce rate of over 50%, when only straight couples were allowed to marry, shows a pretty strong decline in tradition. If that's the route people really want to take, stack the decks side-by-side. It's the same if you argue that 2 women won't provide a positive male posture in a child's life - what about single parents?
I actually laughed out loud at the argument, "Proceed with caution when implementing social changes." Really? REALLY? Where have people been hiding that they haven't noticed the change that has been happening for many years now? We are now hindering a change that has been happening for a very long time, and for what reason? I feel like we're back in the 60's, trying our best to keep anyone of color on the back of the bus, or at another water fountain.
I attend a Baptist church each week...and I have so many friends that attend church on a regular basis as well...so I would encourage everyone out there that believes all church-goers are in support of Prop 8 to take a second and not jump to judgmental conclusions - just as I would encourage those I sit next to in church to not pass judgment on anyone because of who they love. Gay does not equal negative...and that's the stigma society continues to support. There are so many people in the Bible that we could stop and look at and see such negativity surrounding them, yet Jesus loved each and every one of the people he encountered. I wish people would stop for a moment before they throw a religious rock in a glass house.
I have a best friend who is gay. She is the funniest and loveliest girl I know. I hope one day to attend her wedding...because she deserves the right to express her love and commitment just as much as each and every one of us deserves that right.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
A glimpse into the mind...
My grandmother has Alzheimer’s. She is very open about having this terrible disease, and I’m always amazed at her resilience. She hasn’t started to forget us, her family, yet…but I know one day that time will come.
We go through a round-about with our conversations on most days. Always making the circle, but never finding the outlet it seems. I never mind though…the repetitive nature of our talks…because I always walk away knowing that she was never made to feel as though she were riding in that round-about. I have found that to be the most important part of how I handle my conversations with Grandma...never making her feel as though she is wrong, off-task, or out of this world with her conversation. It’s not about me…and the time the conversations take, or the manner in which they unfold. It’s about her…and her walking away with a smile and happy heart.
I spent some wonderful time with her the other night. She told me that it’s a terrible thing to be losing her memory, but that sometimes it’s nice to have the slate wiped clean every night when she goes to bed and awakes the following morning. I couldn’t help but laugh at her light-hearted approach to dealing with things…even wishing I could wipe the slate clean sometimes. She explained to me that the hardest part about having Alzheimer’s is how everyone else treats her. She said, “I don’t think they know what to expect, or how to handle someone with a memory issue, so they just pull away. I don’t have a lot of people that come to visit me any longer.”
That statement shot through me like poisoned arrow. I could feel myself grow sad and disappointed…even angry, knowing so many people that she was once close to have never been to see her, and rarely call her these days.
Are we really that selfish that we allow our own fear and uncertainty to pit us against an uncontrollable disease like Alzheimer’s? We allow distance to grow, and time to elapse, because we make someone else’s problem about us…and not about them. We fail to support those that need it most, and we fail to show love to those that forget we love them, and we allow all of this to happen because silence makes us uncomfortable. Conversation without direction makes us uncomfortable. The loss of a name is too much to handle. And not one of us takes the time to stop and ask, “How is Lorraine feeling?”
I cannot imagine what it must be like to wake up every morning and not know what day it is, what month it is, what year it is, what time it is. To have a calendar does nothing, because you forget to mark off the days. To forget in the evening that a dear friend came to visit that morning…even when that visit was the highlight of the day. I take those things for granted because they are a habit of every day life. I cannot imagine ever allowing those hardships that Grandma faces to come in between my time with her.
Her memories of the distant past are as clear as my memory of the days of the week. I take comfort, and find solace, in listening to her recall her history. The times she played softball in Indiana at the age of 15, and riding in the back of her brother’s pick-up truck all the way home, “in the worst storm I have ever seen;” Listening to her recollection of my grandfather – Papa Holt, and her undying love for him…paying me the biggest compliment by telling me that my sense of humor mirrors his. Her memories are in tact, even if her day-to-day memory is flawed.
I look at this tiny woman and see someone I can only hope to be like. I have rarely heard a negative thing come out of her mouth about another human being…and if it did…it was likely a deserving statement. She has always been colorblind to those around her, and would be loving of anyone that approached her.
For a woman her age, 79, she has the most progressive way of thinking I have ever seen. I was out with my closest girlfriends one night, playing cards, and I called to check on her and see how she was doing. We made small talk for a few minutes when I told her, “I guess I better let you go. I’m at my girlfriend’s house playing cards, but will give you a call again tomorrow.” She responded, “Have a great time, and tell her I can’t wait to meet her someday.” I hung up the phone in hysterics, telling my dear friends about the conversation, but took such pride in my grandmother’s open heart and mind. What a testament to her character. If only so many others could take that page from her life and hold it close to their broken hearts. She will never forget what she never was – racist, judgmental, homophobic.
Her mind is broken…but her heart is full of love, her smile is genuine, and her attitude toward life is one we could all model. She can continue to ask me where we are, and she can continue to call me by my mom’s name…but I will continue to spend my time with her and hope that a little bit of her unmistakable character rubs off on me. I’m so lucky to have her in my life!
We go through a round-about with our conversations on most days. Always making the circle, but never finding the outlet it seems. I never mind though…the repetitive nature of our talks…because I always walk away knowing that she was never made to feel as though she were riding in that round-about. I have found that to be the most important part of how I handle my conversations with Grandma...never making her feel as though she is wrong, off-task, or out of this world with her conversation. It’s not about me…and the time the conversations take, or the manner in which they unfold. It’s about her…and her walking away with a smile and happy heart.
I spent some wonderful time with her the other night. She told me that it’s a terrible thing to be losing her memory, but that sometimes it’s nice to have the slate wiped clean every night when she goes to bed and awakes the following morning. I couldn’t help but laugh at her light-hearted approach to dealing with things…even wishing I could wipe the slate clean sometimes. She explained to me that the hardest part about having Alzheimer’s is how everyone else treats her. She said, “I don’t think they know what to expect, or how to handle someone with a memory issue, so they just pull away. I don’t have a lot of people that come to visit me any longer.”
That statement shot through me like poisoned arrow. I could feel myself grow sad and disappointed…even angry, knowing so many people that she was once close to have never been to see her, and rarely call her these days.
Are we really that selfish that we allow our own fear and uncertainty to pit us against an uncontrollable disease like Alzheimer’s? We allow distance to grow, and time to elapse, because we make someone else’s problem about us…and not about them. We fail to support those that need it most, and we fail to show love to those that forget we love them, and we allow all of this to happen because silence makes us uncomfortable. Conversation without direction makes us uncomfortable. The loss of a name is too much to handle. And not one of us takes the time to stop and ask, “How is Lorraine feeling?”
I cannot imagine what it must be like to wake up every morning and not know what day it is, what month it is, what year it is, what time it is. To have a calendar does nothing, because you forget to mark off the days. To forget in the evening that a dear friend came to visit that morning…even when that visit was the highlight of the day. I take those things for granted because they are a habit of every day life. I cannot imagine ever allowing those hardships that Grandma faces to come in between my time with her.
Her memories of the distant past are as clear as my memory of the days of the week. I take comfort, and find solace, in listening to her recall her history. The times she played softball in Indiana at the age of 15, and riding in the back of her brother’s pick-up truck all the way home, “in the worst storm I have ever seen;” Listening to her recollection of my grandfather – Papa Holt, and her undying love for him…paying me the biggest compliment by telling me that my sense of humor mirrors his. Her memories are in tact, even if her day-to-day memory is flawed.
I look at this tiny woman and see someone I can only hope to be like. I have rarely heard a negative thing come out of her mouth about another human being…and if it did…it was likely a deserving statement. She has always been colorblind to those around her, and would be loving of anyone that approached her.
For a woman her age, 79, she has the most progressive way of thinking I have ever seen. I was out with my closest girlfriends one night, playing cards, and I called to check on her and see how she was doing. We made small talk for a few minutes when I told her, “I guess I better let you go. I’m at my girlfriend’s house playing cards, but will give you a call again tomorrow.” She responded, “Have a great time, and tell her I can’t wait to meet her someday.” I hung up the phone in hysterics, telling my dear friends about the conversation, but took such pride in my grandmother’s open heart and mind. What a testament to her character. If only so many others could take that page from her life and hold it close to their broken hearts. She will never forget what she never was – racist, judgmental, homophobic.
Her mind is broken…but her heart is full of love, her smile is genuine, and her attitude toward life is one we could all model. She can continue to ask me where we are, and she can continue to call me by my mom’s name…but I will continue to spend my time with her and hope that a little bit of her unmistakable character rubs off on me. I’m so lucky to have her in my life!
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