Love and Fear

9:49pm

Thursday, November 10, 2016

I sat down to begin writing around 7:45 tonight:  a little over 2 hours later and I’m STILL trying to pull my thoughts together so that I can effectively convey my feelings.

So much has transpired over the past week, culminating in election results that have turned our country upside down.   Interestingly enough, the results of our recent presidential election will absolutely tie to the reason I even started to write this tonight.

In the not too distant past, Jen Hatmaker (Christian author and HGTV star) made a stand for the LGBTQ community that caused a bit of an uproar.  Her vocal support of the gay community, and same-sex marriage, appeared to be the catalyst for the Christian community to alienate and “stone” her for her views.

As a follow-up, which I posted to my own Facebook page, her husband Brandon responded with details about their time and research into homosexuality and marriage, and it’s biblical meaning.  I’m posting the link below for you to read his response.

 https://www.facebook.com/brandon.hatmaker.12/posts/661677820673474

The bottom line in their message is one of love…and this is their opinion, as well.

What I find astonishing about this situation is that the Hatmaker’s belief and support of the idea of my marriage being holy has turned the Christian community against them. 

Can I just allow the irony in that statement to sink in for a moment?  Aren’t we supposed to love one another, as commanded by God?  I don’t think it reads to love one another, but…

The research & OPINION of the Hatmaker’s, that my marriage can be holy, has caused churches to turn away from using their bible studies now.  As if their support and unconditional love (as commanded by God), now negates their ability to share God’s word.  Churches are actually leveraging verses from 2 Peter and Romans to ACCUSE Jen and Brandon of being false teachers.  

These actions are exactly why the gay community feels out of place in churches today.  This JUDGMENT, which is reserved for God alone, is why we struggle to bridge the gap in the Christian community.  The love, that churches “claim” to have for the LGBTQ community, clearly comes with conditions…and that is NOT God’s love.

Please listen, and clearly understand my next words:  I am a Christian woman, who is married to a woman, and lovingly raising an 18 month old child.  My marriage is Christ-centered and full of love, and NO ONE can tell me otherwise.  Please refrain from comparing my love and marriage to sin, as this seems to be the most popular way for some Christians to say “Hey, it’s okay, we all sin.”  This statement helps nothing and no one, and contrary to popular belief, does not show support.

If I might take a moment to transition into the most recent election for a moment as well, my hope is that you will be able to see the correlation that I am seeing…and if we’re lucky – I’ll be able to open your mind to create your own dialogue.

I will caveat this section with something I’ve said before:  the beauty of living in our democratic society is that we EACH have the right to vote according to our wants/needs in life.  Unfortunately, people don’t seem to understand that if a vote is opposite of your own, it doesn’t mean it is personal.  For example:  I vote for Hillary Clinton – but that doesn’t make me Pro-Choice.  In actuality, PERSONALLY, I am Pro-Life, but I believe the government should NOT have a choice about my body, making my alignment Pro-Choice.   I actually had someone tell me that my “piece of paper” legal marriage is not more important than babies living.  Can you even compare these two things??

What we have lost in this society is respect.  There is a lack of respect for EVERYONE’S most basic rights:  to vote, to bare arms, to marry, to feel protected in their job, to NOT be discriminated against based on so many different things.  There is no respect, and without respect, LOVE ceases to exist.

What this election means to my family, is that we now live in fear:  Fear of the uncertainty of our marriage being overturned.  Fear that we can lose our job based on whom we love.  Fear that the country that should protect its citizens will only do so based on the qualifications they deem worthy.  

The GOP platform for the president elect was clear:  

            “We condemn the Supreme Court’s ruling in United States v. Windsor, which wrongly removed the ability of Congress to define marriage policy in federal law. We also condemn the Supreme Court’s lawless ruling in Obergefell v. Hodges, which in the words of the late Justice Antonin Scalia, was a ‘judicial Putsch” — full of “silly extravagances” — that reduced “the disciplined legal reasoning of John Marshall and
Joseph Storey to the mystical aphorisms of a fortune cookie.’”

What is even scarier, is that the president elect has promised to replace Justice Scalia’s open seat with someone that shares his views.  Please take five minutes and read these comments that Justice Scalia once made:
http://www.motherjones.com/politics/2013/03/scalia-worst-things-said-written-about-homosexuality-court

I don’t think it is a far stretch to say that Scalia did NOT support the LGBTQ community in any fashion. 

For that matter, the vice-president elect does not support our community either.  Do you know that he wanted to use funding for HIV/AIDS to support Conversion Therapy?  Did you know he referred to the repeal of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” as “Mainstreaming Homosexuality?”  Did you know that he wanted to ban civil unions?  Did you know he opposed a bill that would have encouraged foreign governments decriminalize homosexuality?  He also opposed hate crime protections based on sexual orientation.

Given that the president elect will be leaning heavily on his vice-president, since he himself has NO political experience, can you understand why my family lives in fear now?

I haven’t even touched on the crude, sexist, hate-filled, and disrespectful comments made by the president elect through the years, and I’m not going to go into detail there.  I’ve watched most of America make excuses for his words and temper for months now.  I will just say this:  my son will NOT grow up to say the things I have heard our next president say, or act the way we have seen him act. He will be respectful of ALL people, and kind and loving to those he meets along the way. He will be strong in spirit and uncompromising in his drive for equality.  It is my hope that he will have all of the qualities and characteristics I would HOPE for in the leader of our great nation.

As you go to bed tonight…say a prayer, or send out some positive thoughts, for all of us that are fearful of uncertainty right now.  Pay close attention to what is happening around you – and read the hate that is already seeping into the streets of our nation…even more so than was already there.  Pray that the days ahead are better and brighter than many are able to see at this point in time.  Above all else, be loving and respectful of those that agree and don’t agree with how you may think and feel.  Don’t feel the need to offer a defense or response to someone’s fear – but just love, compassion, and support.

Regardless of your beliefs – we will forever be, STRONGER TOGETHER!

Adoption Day

There are many events in life that ensure a date is embedded in our minds for eternity.

Some, if not most, of these events are tragic: 

9/11/01. 

8/22/12 (the day my grandmother passed away)

Yet, some events are beyond amazing: 

11/11/12 (the day I got married) 

4/30/15 (the day my son was born)

And now, for me, 5/26/16

May 26, 2016 will be a day I will never forget.  This is the day I became a LEGALLY recognized parent to Liam.  May 26, 2016 was adoption day! 

It’s completely ridiculous that this day exists in my world, but it is my reality and I'm embracing it.

For perspective...

My wife and I married in 2012.  (If you don’t know me, or didn’t know this fact about me…SURPRISE!!)  We knew we wanted to have a family, but we enjoyed a couple of years of marriage before heading down the road to pregnancy.

We found out in August of 2014 that we were pregnant.  (Since this is about Adoption Day, I don’t want to go into details around the pregnancy journey – but feel free to ask us anytime and we’re happy to share) 

Happy.

Scared.

Excited!

Each one of these feelings consumed us when we realized we were going to be parents.  It wasn’t until a few months into the pregnancy that my excitement turned more to fear.

Aside from the normal fears for first time parents, I began to worry about acceptance and rights.  I firmly believe that learning acceptance, tolerance, and love starts at home – and Liam will know each of these – but rights are a different ballgame.

What most people don’t know, or understand, is that I worried day and night that I would be somewhere with Liam where something would happen and the hospital staff wouldn’t allow me to see him because I’m not his “mother.”  Because, you know, blood defines whether or not you’re a parent. 

But this was my reality…regardless of the fact that my name is on Liam’s birth certificate as the second parent. 

So, while Kerry was pregnant I started doing as much research as I could on second parent adoption.  I wanted to do everything to protect my tie to Liam, regardless of the fact that I would ALWAYS be one of his moms, no matter anyone would say. I had no idea how much I would go through during this process.

✓ FBI background checks.

✓ Child Abuse Clearance in Kentucky.

✓ Child Abuse Clearance in Pennsylvania.

✓ A letter from my doctor stating I’m good health to adopt…the son who is already mine.

✓ A letter from Liam’s doctor stating he is healthy for adoption.

✓ A letter from our clinic confirming that the donor was anonymous and had no rights to Liam.

✓ An attorney to file all of our documentation on our behalf, and attend our court appearance with us.

✓ A small chunk of money…worth every penny spent!!

I was lucky to be exempt of a home visit since Kerry and I were already married prior to Liam’s birth.

I was attempting to get my clearance from Kentucky when the Kim Davis debacle was happening – and this just added to my anxiety. I struggled to get them to understand that I wasn’t adopting Liam through an agency, but had attorney representation for the process. Nobody could understand how this was possible, even with me explaining I was married to a woman.  I had to lean on my attorney to clear it up…and get the process back on track.

This took way too long, and it seemed even longer since I was feeling ridiculous going through this at all.

Yet, with all of the anxiety, nerves, and fears – May 26, 2016 arrived, and I listened with tears in my eyes as the judge sat before me asking if I understood what her ruling would mean for me.  I did know what it would mean for me….I was LIVING what it would mean for me….and her signature on my adoption decree would just provide the legal fencing necessary to protect him even more.

“Mrs. Spicer, do you understand that this ruling will mean that you are legally entitled to worry when he is 16 and out driving past his curfew.”

“I sure do, Judge!”

As soon as I stepped into that courtroom on May 26th, my eyes filled with tears and I could feel my throat trying to close. I was completely beside myself…engulfed in emotion and clothed in love. 

I walked out in the exact same manner!

Liam Maverick Spicer.

 

My son.  My heart.  And now…My heir. 

To Do-ula, or not to Do-ula...that was our question.

Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines a doula as:  “a woman experienced in childbirth who provides advice, information, emotional support, and physical comfort to a mother before, during, and just after childbirth.”  There are 2 important points that I think M-W missed from their definition:

1. The mother is not the only party receiving the benefits of the doula.  The partner receives as much support as the mother.

2.  And, more importantly, a doula is an advocate for you when you are giving birth. 

We chose to have a doula join our childbirth journey, and let me make one thing clear up front:  It was the BEST decision we could have ever made, and I had NO IDEA what it meant to have a doula.  In fact, in the beginning, I wasn’t certain I really wanted a stranger sharing in our moment.

It seems that many people are like I was, having ZERO clue about everything involved with having a doula…or they think it’s “granola” and “earthy.”  The idea of having someone in the delivery room that isn’t family or doctor is confusing…but it’s what a doula DOES that makes all the difference in the world.

When we began our discussions about having a baby, Kerry knew from the start that she wanted to have a natural birth – going against the 80%+ of women today that elect to have an epidural.  It doesn’t win her accolades or medals, but that’s not why she was choosing this path.  Although, in my eyes, the strength it takes to work for a natural delivery is one of rock star proportions – and Kerry rocked it. 

Alas, I digress…

Once we knew what kind of delivery we wanted, we started discussing how best to be successful.  The option of a doula was one of our first discussions, and as the birth partner, I felt it was really important that Kerry made the ultimate decision on yay versus nay.  I would be lying if I didn’t admit that I was intimidated by the prospect of having someone else be the “support” during delivery, but if I had any fears going into delivery – they were gone in the blink of an eye.

From the moment we met with Nikki we felt more at ease about the outcome of our decision. Having a doula didn’t just mean support during delivery, it meant support leading up to the big day, and post-partum support for ALL of us.  I had no idea how all encompassing this “service” would be for us, but it turned out to be one of the best yes decisions we have made.

We attended a couple of classes that Well Born Baby offers and got to know the doulas that would be available when Kerry went into labor. This afforded us a comfort that carried over to delivery day, and we were so blessed that Nikki was on call when Liam decided to make his grand entrance.

Nikki sat on the phone with me and texted with me as I updated her on Kerry’s laboring process at home. While we started labor around 1am, I waited until around 4:30 to call the labor line….and we had support from that moment forward! She helped us decided when the best time came for us to head to the hospital, and promised to see us there!

We entered the hospital with a typed birth plan and goodies for the nurses, who would also be supporting us for an unknown amount of time.   Nikki met us shortly after we were settled into labor and delivery, and her soothing voice and calming aura centered us both from the moment she smiled at us and told us how excited she was to be there.  We knew we were in good hands.  From massage therapy, to breathing exercises, to verbal encouragement, to reminders to eat/drink – our doula was the leveling force in the room that helped us make it through the 8 ½ hours we had to wait for Liam to make his arrival.  Most importantly, when the doctor/nurses made any recommendations, Nikki was there to break down the details of what it all meant for us – and help us make the appropriate decisions, always having our wants/needs and best interests in mind.

Once Liam arrived, Nikki hung around to make sure we had everything we needed to get settled-in – and promised to see us after we came home.  It was about a week after we came home that she came to see us and hold/love on our little man of the house.   We now had a friend in our life, not just a doula.   We now have someone that our son will know and love, who helped us help him make a comfortable entrance into this world.  

I could go on for days, listing all of the reasons why we made the right decision, but the reality is this:  we made the right decision for us.  In the end, the support and comfort we experienced with having a doula made our birth experience a wonderful and lasting experience. 

Would we have a doula again in the future, if we elected to have a second child?  ABSOLUTELY…and we would encourage others to consider the same path!

Self-Loathing

Self-Loathing
PART I

It’s not abnormal for us, as human beings, to have negative personal thoughts.

“I’ve gained 10 pounds and look fat.” 

“My face is breaking out and I look ugly.” 

“Why can’t I be prettier?” 

We are our own worst critic and enemy, and the way we view ourselves is often reflected in how we interact with others.  At a certain point we can withdraw, become distant or angry, sometimes even depressed…yet we continue to berate ourselves based on who we see in the mirror.

 I will be the first person to raise my hand high, in unfortunate guilt.  I’m harder on myself than I should be, and am guilty of berating myself on a daily basis.  Today has been worse than usual, in fact. The “F” word is used far too often in my everyday language.

 Fat.

It’s what I see in the mirror, it’s how I feel in my clothes, and it’s what I assume everyone else thinks when they look at me.   The reality is this:  it is wrong.  I’m wrong.  I am actively working on changing the way I speak to myself and view myself, and while there are many reasons why, I find it most important to just LOVE myself.   I’m a work in progress.

Self-Loathing
PART II

The second part of this touches a little deeper, both personally and also in a broader spectrum.  Maybe “Self-Loathing” isn’t the most appropriate title for these thoughts, because they really boil down to a fear.  I guess the underlying issue is fear, and that easily leads to self-loathing.

I read so many stories today about people committing suicide, and it’s usually because of some level of self-loathing.   Both young and old, individuals are taking their own lives because they have come to loathe themselves more than they find tolerable.  That’s scary.

You often times hear it said that “nothing is worth taking your own life.”  I think everyone forgets that those that can’t bear living any longer do it because of how they feel about themselves.  So, in turn, “your own life isn’t worth the taking?”  Do you see the endless cycle that one might see?

I’m not encouraging/condoning this action, so do not misinterpret my words….but fear and self-loathing can drive us to measures unknown.

 

For me, I live a pretty good life.  I don’t judge people (or I at least work hard to not judge), I love my friends/family, I show compassion and love to those around me, and I try to live a life of humility.

I also live a life in slight fear.  Fear of judgment for having a wife, and any criticism that is thrown my way because of that fact.  Fear that someone won’t agree with us and I’ll find myself face down in a pool of blood someday.  Fear that my future son/daughter will have to deal with the ignorance and hate that others pass down from generation to generation.  And while I have not encountered an OUTWARD and BLATANT attack, for which I am so thankful, I have dealt with the quiet shunning.  Most people fear losing a family member, but try having many family members just turn their backs on you without discussion or explanation...Not that one was needed.  In any case, that fear became a realization for me, and one that led to a great deal of self-loathing.

I don’t have any answers on how to encourage people to self-love, but I can share what I have found within myself.  I have found that the time and energy taken from me to self-loathe is time and energy I feel 10-fold when I love myself and allow others to do the same.  You might be surprised how much lighter life feels, and how much happier you become, when you allow yourself to just live in love.

You know, Jesus showed us the ultimate act of love when He laid down his life for us....ALL of us.  So be a little nicer to people today, because you may not know how they are really feeling about themselves...and your ACTions may make all the difference in their world of self-loathing.

I wish Heaven had e-mail

 

            Losing a loved one is never easy.  Whether you have time to “prepare” for their passing or not, you are never fully prepared.  You're never prepared for the level of grief that the loss brings either. 

I had it all together, so I thought, before I lost my grandma last August.  I knew she was approaching the end of her days here on earth, but I was NEVER prepared for her to go as soon as she did, or for the grief it would bring me.  Her "approach" meant another couple of years, in my mind.  I’m still waiting for the day when her being gone hurts a little less.  But I’ve started to process…and in doing so, this blog came to mind.

See, about 4 months after my grandma passed away I was emailing a group of my girlfriends when I stumbled across my grandmother’s e-mail address from years ago. I was trying to type in the last name of one of my friends when ‘Grandma’ popped up in the address line, as Yahoo tried to predict my actions and auto-populate the address for me to save time.  I froze.  Literally…could not move for almost 2 minutes.  I sat and stared at that address line as I could feel my throat restricting and the blazing hot tears threatening to erupt from my eyes.  I quickly clicked on the ‘X’ and closed the e-mail altogether.  I had to physically walk away for a minute.

I talk about my grandma often, but I had no idea what to do when faced with the idea of communication…or the lack thereof.  I felt like I was spiraling out of control, emotionally, when faced with the reality that I can’t hear her voice now, or talk with her, or just be near her.  I was scared I was reverting back to day one of my grief again.  And while I hadn’t come THAT far in the process, I had progressed enough that I knew I didn’t want to go back. 

So I allowed some time to go by and made sure to send emails based on first names, so as not to run into that emotional wall again.  But then I started to wonder…what would I wish to say if I had just a little more time?  I started to write it down…and then I drafted my first "letter"…and then I had one last hurdle…the ‘Send’ button.

I wish Heaven had e-mail.

While it may seem unhealthy to some, I am finding it therapeutic.  I get to say everything I want to say, and share all that I want to share, and cry all that I need…and then I click ‘Send’ and it’s off to cyber-space.  She knows my heart…always did…but in the moments when I feel like I miss her more than the day before, I take comfort in sending an email that allows me to get all of those thoughts/emotions out of my head. It may only be a momentary reprieve, but it’s a moment nonetheless.

Funny thing, I half expected to get a mailer daemon saying my message was undeliverable…so I created a folder in which to file all of those returned emails…but they never came.  So while I’m uncertain where they now sit…I’ll remain prepared, in the event they do come rushing back as undelivered.  In my heart, I know the message was still received in some way.

But, how cool would it be if Heaven really did have e-mail?

A Life with Purpose...

There are so many days when I wake up and feel angry that I have to get out of bed and go to work….or get out of bed to accomplish some of the life tasks that I’ve put on hold during the week.  I scowl when the dog barks at 4am because he wants to go potty…because I got home from work late and he had to eat later than normal.  I’m certain there are many of you that can relate….except I don’t want to be that way anymore.  I don’t to feel mad about waking up again.  I want to embrace the moment alone with my puppy at 4am, even though my eyelids want so badly to close once more.  I want to give thanks for another day of life…

It’s unfortunate that an event like an elementary school shooting is what it takes to snap us back to reality sometimes.  20 babies lost their lives last Friday…6 and 7 year old BABIES:  and I’m mad about HAVING to get up and live another day?  How embarrassing.

I want my life to have purpose…and I want to wake up each day, attempting to make a difference.  I want to embrace my loved ones a little more often, and share a smile with a stranger, with whom I would usually avoid eye contact. I want someone else to read this and it impact them enough that they lay their political agenda aside to just live and love for a minute. 

I am so saddened that the first thing we default to is gun control and mental health initiatives.  We could probably use a revamp on BOTH, to an extent, but people who want to kill will do so by any means they see fit:  Timothy McVeigh.  It’s more appropriate for us, as PEOPLE, to take a moment to just remember those young lives that were stolen before their time…and to remember those Educators and school personnel that put their own lives at risk to try and shield the children from such unimaginable evil.  Leave your politics for another day….instead take a moment to try and make a difference in another person’s life. 

I remember being an outcast in school at one time, and not really feeling as though I fit anywhere…but there were a few people that seemed to always smile my way, or share in a friendly conversation that made the day seem a little better.  They had no idea the impact their kindness had on my life…and I want nothing more than to pay that forward.  Is this going to stop another event like Newtown, Connecticut from happening?  Maybe not…but a little positivity and love never hurt anyone.  And continued prayer can’t hurt either…regardless of your religious affiliation.

I used to love reading the news every day, but I find it harder and harder to do so these days when the pages are littered with such hate and negativity.  I might not have the cure, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to sit idly by when I can be living my life with purpose…and hopefully, I can make a difference in some way!  

Christian - what's in the name...

The Characteristics of a Christian?

 A good friend of mine recently posted a note on a social networking site asking what characteristics one would attribute to a Christian…not what being a Christian “means,” per se, but what words would you use to describe a Christian?

 I immediately jumped on the opportunity to respond and share my two cents, for whatever they were worth. I was enamored with the response she received and I instantly knew I needed to re-visit the blog I intended to write so long ago.

 Before I get into my thoughts, here is a general summary of the responses she received:

• Faithful 
• Honest 
• Kind 
• Giving 
• Unselfish 
• Love 
• Joyful 
• Peaceful 
• Patient 
• Gentleness 
• Self-control 
• Forgiving 
• Love 
• Open 
• Honest 
• Non-judgmental 
• Love 
• Unconditional love 
• Humble 
• Compassionate 

 There a few repeats on the list, but I left them in there because I feel it important to show what characteristics come to mind most often...at least during this exercise. 

 Love. 

 In my mind, you cannot have “Christian” without “love.” 

 I would want the characteristic of “Non-Judgmental” to be attached to the term, but more often than not, it is the first thing I hear when openly discussing what it means to be a Christian. I am told that most Christians are judgmental and hypocritical. Well, that’s probably true. But in reality, aren’t most PEOPLE judgmental and hypocritical? We’ll come back to this… 

 When I was in college I went through a period in time where I didn’t want to be labeled by the church I chose to attend. I didn’t want to be called Baptist because there is a stereotype that follows that label. I wanted to be called a Believer. I STILL like that terminology really because there are NUMEROUS things I can disagree on concerning the Baptist church, or any church for that matter. The thing I DO NOT find fault in: believing in God, his son, my salvation, and LOVE. The kind of love that encompasses all of the traits/characteristics I listed at the beginning of this post. 

 Now, if we are honest with ourselves, we all probably know quite a few people that have so many of the characteristics I’m talking about, but that doesn’t make them a “Christian.” There is a string attached here that assumes a Christian is a Christ-believer. But on the flip-side, how many “Christians” do you know that possess some of these traits in their exact opposite? And we wonder why church and Christianity have a stigma attached to them… 

 There must be a point in our lives, regardless of our spiritual beliefs, when we must truly decide what kind of person we want to be at the core. As a Christian, I know that I strive to hold myself accountable for the way I live my life and the manner in which I treat those around me. I want people to associate me with the characteristics I’ve described, but not just that…I want them to ACCEPT me in spite of the ones I may not always exhibit. 

 I think this is always a touchy subject to tackle because people will generally become defensive at the thought that someone might be questioning them, or their beliefs. It’s not a personal attack most times, but it can snowball into an ugly confrontation pretty quickly when you have one person wanting to defend themselves, and another trying to explain the “why” around their questions. The level of debate and conversation in this country has diminished to most people feeling a personal attack and mounting an offensive comeback on almost everything. It’s sad really. 

 I have always invited anyone to feel free to talk with me about their spiritual/religious beliefs because we all stand to learn something new all the time. And in reality, I bring something different to the table of conversation than many Christians: a same-sex spouse…and I have had some “Christians” pull away from me because of that factor. That being said, I take a look back at the list of characteristics now and find that some of those seem to disappear completely in some “Christians” when they come to know everything about me: 

Unconditional Love. 

Non-Judgment. 

Kindness. 

Compassion. 

 Again, I am always open to discussion, but the moment it turns personal and disrespectful, I will kindly discontinue the conversation. There is a difference between discussion and judgment; we ALL need to remember that – regardless of the topic. 

 I guess the reality in this question could be two-fold: yes, there are many characteristics that we associate with the word “Christian,” but it’s also important to recognize their importance when thinking about what it means actually BE a Christian. These characteristics, by no means, account for every trait…but they seem to be the popular vote amongst many. Christian or not, they are also some damn fine traits to strive for as a PERSON!