Love and Fear

9:49pm

Thursday, November 10, 2016

I sat down to begin writing around 7:45 tonight:  a little over 2 hours later and I’m STILL trying to pull my thoughts together so that I can effectively convey my feelings.

So much has transpired over the past week, culminating in election results that have turned our country upside down.   Interestingly enough, the results of our recent presidential election will absolutely tie to the reason I even started to write this tonight.

In the not too distant past, Jen Hatmaker (Christian author and HGTV star) made a stand for the LGBTQ community that caused a bit of an uproar.  Her vocal support of the gay community, and same-sex marriage, appeared to be the catalyst for the Christian community to alienate and “stone” her for her views.

As a follow-up, which I posted to my own Facebook page, her husband Brandon responded with details about their time and research into homosexuality and marriage, and it’s biblical meaning.  I’m posting the link below for you to read his response.

 https://www.facebook.com/brandon.hatmaker.12/posts/661677820673474

The bottom line in their message is one of love…and this is their opinion, as well.

What I find astonishing about this situation is that the Hatmaker’s belief and support of the idea of my marriage being holy has turned the Christian community against them. 

Can I just allow the irony in that statement to sink in for a moment?  Aren’t we supposed to love one another, as commanded by God?  I don’t think it reads to love one another, but…

The research & OPINION of the Hatmaker’s, that my marriage can be holy, has caused churches to turn away from using their bible studies now.  As if their support and unconditional love (as commanded by God), now negates their ability to share God’s word.  Churches are actually leveraging verses from 2 Peter and Romans to ACCUSE Jen and Brandon of being false teachers.  

These actions are exactly why the gay community feels out of place in churches today.  This JUDGMENT, which is reserved for God alone, is why we struggle to bridge the gap in the Christian community.  The love, that churches “claim” to have for the LGBTQ community, clearly comes with conditions…and that is NOT God’s love.

Please listen, and clearly understand my next words:  I am a Christian woman, who is married to a woman, and lovingly raising an 18 month old child.  My marriage is Christ-centered and full of love, and NO ONE can tell me otherwise.  Please refrain from comparing my love and marriage to sin, as this seems to be the most popular way for some Christians to say “Hey, it’s okay, we all sin.”  This statement helps nothing and no one, and contrary to popular belief, does not show support.

If I might take a moment to transition into the most recent election for a moment as well, my hope is that you will be able to see the correlation that I am seeing…and if we’re lucky – I’ll be able to open your mind to create your own dialogue.

I will caveat this section with something I’ve said before:  the beauty of living in our democratic society is that we EACH have the right to vote according to our wants/needs in life.  Unfortunately, people don’t seem to understand that if a vote is opposite of your own, it doesn’t mean it is personal.  For example:  I vote for Hillary Clinton – but that doesn’t make me Pro-Choice.  In actuality, PERSONALLY, I am Pro-Life, but I believe the government should NOT have a choice about my body, making my alignment Pro-Choice.   I actually had someone tell me that my “piece of paper” legal marriage is not more important than babies living.  Can you even compare these two things??

What we have lost in this society is respect.  There is a lack of respect for EVERYONE’S most basic rights:  to vote, to bare arms, to marry, to feel protected in their job, to NOT be discriminated against based on so many different things.  There is no respect, and without respect, LOVE ceases to exist.

What this election means to my family, is that we now live in fear:  Fear of the uncertainty of our marriage being overturned.  Fear that we can lose our job based on whom we love.  Fear that the country that should protect its citizens will only do so based on the qualifications they deem worthy.  

The GOP platform for the president elect was clear:  

            “We condemn the Supreme Court’s ruling in United States v. Windsor, which wrongly removed the ability of Congress to define marriage policy in federal law. We also condemn the Supreme Court’s lawless ruling in Obergefell v. Hodges, which in the words of the late Justice Antonin Scalia, was a ‘judicial Putsch” — full of “silly extravagances” — that reduced “the disciplined legal reasoning of John Marshall and
Joseph Storey to the mystical aphorisms of a fortune cookie.’”

What is even scarier, is that the president elect has promised to replace Justice Scalia’s open seat with someone that shares his views.  Please take five minutes and read these comments that Justice Scalia once made:
http://www.motherjones.com/politics/2013/03/scalia-worst-things-said-written-about-homosexuality-court

I don’t think it is a far stretch to say that Scalia did NOT support the LGBTQ community in any fashion. 

For that matter, the vice-president elect does not support our community either.  Do you know that he wanted to use funding for HIV/AIDS to support Conversion Therapy?  Did you know he referred to the repeal of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” as “Mainstreaming Homosexuality?”  Did you know that he wanted to ban civil unions?  Did you know he opposed a bill that would have encouraged foreign governments decriminalize homosexuality?  He also opposed hate crime protections based on sexual orientation.

Given that the president elect will be leaning heavily on his vice-president, since he himself has NO political experience, can you understand why my family lives in fear now?

I haven’t even touched on the crude, sexist, hate-filled, and disrespectful comments made by the president elect through the years, and I’m not going to go into detail there.  I’ve watched most of America make excuses for his words and temper for months now.  I will just say this:  my son will NOT grow up to say the things I have heard our next president say, or act the way we have seen him act. He will be respectful of ALL people, and kind and loving to those he meets along the way. He will be strong in spirit and uncompromising in his drive for equality.  It is my hope that he will have all of the qualities and characteristics I would HOPE for in the leader of our great nation.

As you go to bed tonight…say a prayer, or send out some positive thoughts, for all of us that are fearful of uncertainty right now.  Pay close attention to what is happening around you – and read the hate that is already seeping into the streets of our nation…even more so than was already there.  Pray that the days ahead are better and brighter than many are able to see at this point in time.  Above all else, be loving and respectful of those that agree and don’t agree with how you may think and feel.  Don’t feel the need to offer a defense or response to someone’s fear – but just love, compassion, and support.

Regardless of your beliefs – we will forever be, STRONGER TOGETHER!

Adoption Day

There are many events in life that ensure a date is embedded in our minds for eternity.

Some, if not most, of these events are tragic: 

9/11/01. 

8/22/12 (the day my grandmother passed away)

Yet, some events are beyond amazing: 

11/11/12 (the day I got married) 

4/30/15 (the day my son was born)

And now, for me, 5/26/16

May 26, 2016 will be a day I will never forget.  This is the day I became a LEGALLY recognized parent to Liam.  May 26, 2016 was adoption day! 

It’s completely ridiculous that this day exists in my world, but it is my reality and I'm embracing it.

For perspective...

My wife and I married in 2012.  (If you don’t know me, or didn’t know this fact about me…SURPRISE!!)  We knew we wanted to have a family, but we enjoyed a couple of years of marriage before heading down the road to pregnancy.

We found out in August of 2014 that we were pregnant.  (Since this is about Adoption Day, I don’t want to go into details around the pregnancy journey – but feel free to ask us anytime and we’re happy to share) 

Happy.

Scared.

Excited!

Each one of these feelings consumed us when we realized we were going to be parents.  It wasn’t until a few months into the pregnancy that my excitement turned more to fear.

Aside from the normal fears for first time parents, I began to worry about acceptance and rights.  I firmly believe that learning acceptance, tolerance, and love starts at home – and Liam will know each of these – but rights are a different ballgame.

What most people don’t know, or understand, is that I worried day and night that I would be somewhere with Liam where something would happen and the hospital staff wouldn’t allow me to see him because I’m not his “mother.”  Because, you know, blood defines whether or not you’re a parent. 

But this was my reality…regardless of the fact that my name is on Liam’s birth certificate as the second parent. 

So, while Kerry was pregnant I started doing as much research as I could on second parent adoption.  I wanted to do everything to protect my tie to Liam, regardless of the fact that I would ALWAYS be one of his moms, no matter anyone would say. I had no idea how much I would go through during this process.

✓ FBI background checks.

✓ Child Abuse Clearance in Kentucky.

✓ Child Abuse Clearance in Pennsylvania.

✓ A letter from my doctor stating I’m good health to adopt…the son who is already mine.

✓ A letter from Liam’s doctor stating he is healthy for adoption.

✓ A letter from our clinic confirming that the donor was anonymous and had no rights to Liam.

✓ An attorney to file all of our documentation on our behalf, and attend our court appearance with us.

✓ A small chunk of money…worth every penny spent!!

I was lucky to be exempt of a home visit since Kerry and I were already married prior to Liam’s birth.

I was attempting to get my clearance from Kentucky when the Kim Davis debacle was happening – and this just added to my anxiety. I struggled to get them to understand that I wasn’t adopting Liam through an agency, but had attorney representation for the process. Nobody could understand how this was possible, even with me explaining I was married to a woman.  I had to lean on my attorney to clear it up…and get the process back on track.

This took way too long, and it seemed even longer since I was feeling ridiculous going through this at all.

Yet, with all of the anxiety, nerves, and fears – May 26, 2016 arrived, and I listened with tears in my eyes as the judge sat before me asking if I understood what her ruling would mean for me.  I did know what it would mean for me….I was LIVING what it would mean for me….and her signature on my adoption decree would just provide the legal fencing necessary to protect him even more.

“Mrs. Spicer, do you understand that this ruling will mean that you are legally entitled to worry when he is 16 and out driving past his curfew.”

“I sure do, Judge!”

As soon as I stepped into that courtroom on May 26th, my eyes filled with tears and I could feel my throat trying to close. I was completely beside myself…engulfed in emotion and clothed in love. 

I walked out in the exact same manner!

Liam Maverick Spicer.

 

My son.  My heart.  And now…My heir.