Losing a loved one is never easy. Whether you have time to “prepare” for their
passing or not, you are never fully prepared. You're never prepared for the level of grief that the loss
brings either.
I had it all together, so I thought, before I
lost my grandma last August. I knew she
was approaching the end of her days here on earth, but I was NEVER prepared for
her to go as soon as she did, or for the grief it would bring me. Her "approach" meant another couple of years, in my mind. I’m still waiting for the day when her being gone hurts a
little less. But I’ve started to
process…and in doing so, this blog came to mind.
See, about 4 months after my
grandma passed away I was emailing a group of my girlfriends when I stumbled
across my grandmother’s e-mail address from years ago. I was trying to type in
the last name of one of my friends when ‘Grandma’ popped up in the address
line, as Yahoo tried to predict my actions and auto-populate the address for me
to save time. I froze. Literally…could not move for almost 2 minutes. I sat and stared at that address line as I
could feel my throat restricting and the blazing hot tears threatening to erupt
from my eyes. I quickly clicked on the
‘X’ and closed the e-mail altogether. I
had to physically walk away for a minute.
I talk about my grandma often, but
I had no idea what to do when faced with the idea of communication…or the lack
thereof. I felt like I was spiraling out
of control, emotionally, when faced with the reality that I can’t hear her
voice now, or talk with her, or just be near her. I was scared I was reverting back to day one
of my grief again. And while I hadn’t
come THAT far in the process, I had progressed enough that I knew I didn’t want
to go back.
So I allowed some time to go by and
made sure to send emails based on first names, so as not to run into that
emotional wall again. But then I started
to wonder…what would I wish to say if I had just a little more time? I started to write it down…and then I drafted
my first "letter"…and then I had one last hurdle…the ‘Send’ button.
I wish Heaven had e-mail.
While it may seem unhealthy to
some, I am finding it therapeutic. I get
to say everything I want to say, and share all that I want to share, and cry
all that I need…and then I click ‘Send’ and it’s off to cyber-space. She knows my heart…always did…but in the
moments when I feel like I miss her more than the day before, I take comfort in
sending an email that allows me to get all of those thoughts/emotions out of my head. It may
only be a momentary reprieve, but it’s a moment nonetheless.
Funny thing, I half expected to get
a mailer daemon saying my message was undeliverable…so I created a folder in
which to file all of those returned emails…but they never came. So while I’m uncertain where they now sit…I’ll
remain prepared, in the event they do come rushing back as undelivered. In my heart, I know the message was still
received in some way.
But, how cool would it be if
Heaven really did have e-mail?
