I sat through therapy last week and after 45 minutes I felt like I was having an epiphany.
“I think I’m emotionally stunted,” I said.
My therapist’s eyebrows went through the roof. She even grinned for a minute before asking me why I felt that way, and what ultimately brought me to that conclusion.
I laughed a little bit before responding:
“Well, a couple weeks ago we were talking about that e-mail I received and you asked me to place an emotion on what the sender was likely feeling. Only the most basic emotions sprang to mind – sad, upset, etc. It wasn’t until you said ‘fear’ that I realized that was the exact emotion, and I should have known it, and likely did know it, but I couldn’t verbalize it. I felt, in that moment, that I had lost touch with emotions, and that conversation has bothered me for the past two weeks now.”
Our conversation progressed on, but I came home, and now a week later, am still questioning myself. An emotional awakening and revamp was/is the 3rd part of my total revision…and it’s turning out to be the hardest. I never would have expected that because I’m not afraid to cry, or be angry, or laugh…but what I’m finding is that I’m not afraid to physically show my emotions – I just haven’t been able to completely define them…or those around me, for that matter. Hell, I can even write emotionally and have readers feel what I want them to feel…so where is the disconnect?
Well, after our follow-up session this week I made some realizations. I’m careful. It’s not that I’m unemotional, or unable to label the emotions I see and feel, but more that I take care along the way to ensure I have no regrets in life – so my emotions don’t run wild during specific moments when others’ might. I felt better when I walked away this week because I felt like I was able to “feel” what I felt, and I was able to relate to what others may be feeling as well. A lot to understand: yes. Hopeless: no.
I’m an analyzer, a planner, and an organizer. When you throw in spontaneity, you kink the curve even more. I don’t make rash decisions, I consider all options, I take pride in my stability, and give my all in everything in which I’m involved. I like to believe that I have a big heart, an open mind, and a willingness to please. I cry with those that need me to do so and I laugh when it’s appropriate (and inappropriate). I am finding that what I once thought I was unable to do, I’m actually able to do so with fervor: separate my emotions from situations, when necessary. I’m not emotionally stunted, I’m just in control of my life.
I think the years of pleasing everyone else before myself played into my necessary check of my emotions. I forgot what it was like to make myself happy, allow myself to be scared, take pride in my accomplishments, and feel sad and alone when I want to feel that way. Before, I would just task myself to death – a nice distraction from feeling any of the above…not now. Now – I’m finding joy in laughing when no one else sees what’s funny, and I’m LEARNING to brush off the angry drivers around me instead of raging myself (and finding that dancing in my car makes the anger dissipate quicker), and I’m relishing in the time I have with my family – because I only have one family, and one life to know them. My emotions are deep rooted, yet finding their way to the surface more often now than ever before. I look forward to future emotional growth as well.
If I could hand out any piece of advice, that I would like to take myself, it would be for everyone to tap into their emotions…learn how they feel, what triggers certain reactions, how to deliver messages getting your point across – all the while taking the receiver’s feelings into consideration, and most importantly…don’t hide behind a smile if that’s not how you’re feeling. It’s see-through and will do nothing but prolong the inevitable admittance you need to face. And let’s face it – there’s nothing worse than someone walking around with a fake smile.
